After a very long and quite satisfying relationship of 10 years with myself, I too have decided to take a leap into the pool of love. Why? It seems this pool is also full of new insecurities and disappointment. I never used to have that with myself. I was always there for me, I always did everything I wanted, I always ate what I wanted, I always knew what I was thinking, I had everything under control. As you can see it was a very me centered universe. And I like it. No, I loved it. It was fun, why change it?
Well… Some time last year I got an itch. That itch was called sex. And it needed to be scratched, hard and a lot. Unfortunately being of the female sex, sex is different and the magic number three makes me fall in love. Three times with the same boy and I’m hooked. I dated around a bit, using this wonderful tool called “the internet”. It was great, loads of men, all itching too. Fun fun.
So I went out with a couple of these men (if I feel like it some day I’ll give a detailed summary of every single one of them), texted others but never met up, called some etc.
Then eventually these men turned into one man and that’s when the all important “feelings” (barf) took over and it was: What are WE going to do? What should WE eat tonight? And most importantly: What are YOU thinking about?
Where are you going? What are you doing? Where are you staying tonight? Sound familiar? Yeah that’s what it sounds like when you start sharing your life with someone. Constant questioning about everything. Sometimes those questions are best kept to yourself, paranoia sets in and you question every action. Why is he doing that, why isn’t he doing that. Where is he? What’s he doing? Who’s he with? Why not with me?
Why not with me. What is this constant obsession of wanting him near me? Was I not ok before? Did I not watch TV on my own and cook alone and walk alone and dance alone and sometimes even talk alone?????? REALLY?!? Is this what happens to you when you are in a relationship. I really hope this phase ends soon. I need to trust. And I need to be ok with him not being with me all the freaking time! And I will because like a computer, I will reprogram my brain. It has been programmed to not trust anything or anyone (more information to follow) and I am determined to not FUCK THIS UP.
And another nice song that just came on the radio: