disgusting

It is absolutely, ridiculously disgusting how happy I am at the moment. So happy that I was sitting in the train staring out at the dark night (or was it a tunnel…?) smiling at my past couple of hours. The whole evening was one of complete and utter bliss.

Woke up this morning, it was cold and rainy, I just wanted to stay under the covers, snoozed my alarm a couple of times. Had a very quick (3 min) shower and jumped into whatever clothes I could find that were not smelly. Ate breakfast in 4 minutes and left the house. Was way too early into work, smiling and saying good morning to anyone who crossed my path, holding open doors and saying have a great friday. My day was uneventful but I found a great new website that you can listen to informative radio. I was at a dinner last night and some friends told me about it, radio lab, if anyone is interested. So great, love it! Made my day pass super quick. Then I was supposed to have a driving lesson (Yes I’m 28 and don’t have a driving license, I’m a city girl, cars are a nuisance.) but that got cancelled due to problems with the instructor’s car. Didn’t bother me at all. All that meant was that I could see my baby a few hours earlier than expected. So I hopped on a bus and told the bus driver to “Step on it, I gotta get to ma man”.

Getting off the bus, texting my cousin and walking towards his place, the crisp smell of autumn in the air and the leaves shuffling at my feet. Tripped a couple of times because I wasn’t looking where I was going. I tripped the last time when I was crossing the street to his place and I looked up to see that no one saw and of course, there he was, standing at the window. Per chance, the only time that he has ever been at the window as I approached his place. Waving happily and smiling. I waved back a bit embarrassed about what he had just witnessed his girlfriend do but trying to cover it up with a big goofy smile. I rushed up… or rather, tripped up the stairs (yes ladies and gentlemen, this is a girl who has mastered the art of tripping UP the stairs…) and waiting for me at the top was a head slightly hidden behind the door with a mischievous smirk.

I don’t wanna go on and on about the day, just know this, it was perfect. So now I lie in bed (alone, coz he had to work, but it’s cool, it was a perfect day.) and I get to feel all these feelings over and over again. As long as I want, or until the next great day. It’s strange, how little you really need to be so happy. Hopefully I’ll remember this feeling.

SONG!

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life is hard

That’s what you can sum up from a number of posts of friends I have on facebook. Usually these are the people that have everything they need, they still find one (or sometimes everything) thing to complain about. Constantly whining about how hard their life is, how they wished they changed this and that. Eh. ok. Keep that shit to yourself I don’t need to drown in your misery. I try to keep all my public profiles (that people I know know about) positive and cheerful! I try to make sure that when people look at my profile, they leave feeling a little happier or the same as when the came. With funny pictures or anecdotes from my life as it is right now. Focusing so much on the negative will only bring you down more, or so I’ve learned. So I try (that being the key word here) to be a positive poster.

I guess I’d rather take out my negativity on an anonymous platform like this. If you don’t like what I’m saying that’s cool, you have the choice to click away and forget what you read. But I guess being anonymous also gives you a certain power to not care what others think of you. It’s just a way of venting my feelings to a platform of readers or nobody but it just feels better because I feel like I sent it out in the vast World Wide Web. And I feel like some of my troubles get swallowed up by it. Feels pretty good. And makes it less likely for me to freak out at people that I care about and in that way pushing those people away.

A little update on my little green monster, I am actively working on becoming a better person. One that does not use jealousy to mask her own insecurities. One that is trying to open up and give myself to the one that cares about me and that I in turn care about too. I’m doing this through cognitive therapy, things that I learned a year or so ago when I was seeing a therapist. I had lost a bunch of weight and didn’t know how I felt about myself. Very low self esteem (something that is obviously still there a bit today) and daddy issues. I got dismissed and my therapist said that I was a normal person. hahahaha.. Almost…. I just need a little more tweaking.

I think another way I’m gonna help myself is doing something that I love, dancing. Joining a dance class and becoming active in a way that I find fun! Being active will make me fitter and in turn make me happier about myself. Focusing on myself, that will be December. Life is easy, you are born and then you die. What happens in between is up to you. I would just rather be a positive human being.

Song:

Jealousy

Last friday, it was my sister’s birthday party and I had been feeling fine and was excited to bring my boyfriend along to the party. Finally, everyone would see that he’s not made up, he exists! HAHA.. We took the train after a long day of trying to fix an (to us) unfixable appliance at home. So we got there a little late, but that didn’t matter.. Everyone was chilling around the table, drinking and smoking and talking and laughing. There was music blasting through a little stereo on the table by the door and people were everywhere. I said Hi to everyone and congratulated my sister, giving her the presents that I had gotten her. My boyfriend said hi to everyone too and placed himself on the ‘boy’ end of the table. I knew that he was social enough for me to leave him there. He was drinking and talking and chilling, towards the middle of the night he started smoking weed. I have no problems with that, it’s something that he does normally, I’m actually glad because it means that he doesn’t drink a lot. I hate alcohol, especially when ingested by someone I’m dating, so I’m very happy he hardly ever drinks.

Towards the end of the night, everyone is still drinking and seating has been rearranged a couple of times. There had been some dancing and some popping of the champagne that I got my sister, popped by this girl and unfortunately it got all over me because I suck at opening champagne bottles or something. Classic.

I was dancing in the ‘living room’ part of the house and when I turn around my sister is sharing a chair with my boyfriend. I looked and my head was like ‘ok, when did that happen? What the fuck? Get the fuck off my boyfriends chair, bitch!’ Then I took a step towards them, I was FUMING. Couldn’t think straight, all that was going through my head was craziness. My stare was burning a whole through her head, I think she might have noticed because she eventually got up. The next day my boyfriend and I were sitting on the couch talking, I was still annoyed, I know he didn’t know and I know he doesn’t think he did anything wrong (which to his defense he didn’t, and neither did my sister, it’s my own insecurities that I need to deal with..) and he starts asking me about a friend of my sisters (a guy, my sister’s ex’s best friend, a guy) and how long they have been friends. So I told him, about 5 years, and he’s always had a thing for my sister. My boyfriends looks at me and says the words I had dreaded “you think that’s crazy, he’s a guy..” So I look at him and go “what do you mean with that?” And he says, “well your sister’s a cute girl and he’s a guy and after being friends for that long…. Guys can’t be friends with girls.”

“Your sister’s a cute girl”……”Your sister’s a cute girl”… It kept echoing through my head over and over again.

How could I think that? I have no reason. He loves me, he tells me how happy he is with me. My sister is cute, and she’s my best friend. She would never do anything to hurt me like that. Neither would my boyfriend. None of the things in my head are true. And there’s nothing to suspect otherwise. I need to get over all of this madness. The only person it’s hurting is me, and if it keeps going it will eventually end up in me losing my boyfriend or even worse the amazing friendship that I have with my sister.

Ok, there, it’s out of me… I shall get on with my life as a normal person now.

Besides, a very wise friend once told me that if you’re always scared of getting hurt you’ll never be able to give yourself completely to anyone. And I’ve experienced enough heart break and survived so I shouldn’t be so scared of it. Enough. Jealousy is horrible and it’s a disgusting trait to have. I will get over this. It’s time to trust and give myself completely, no matter the consequences.

Sign off song:

Tonight

Tonight is the night. The night that my father meets the new man in my life. The one that I think is gonna stick around, the one that might just be the one. I think I’m a little nervous. Why? Because my face broke out and I have a swollen lymph node under my jaw. My mandibular lymph node to be precise. It’s swollen up to the size of a walnut. When I’m nervous, I don’t feel the nervousness but for some reason my body likes to remind me that I am nervous. So I either get the runs or I get sick in some sort of way. The lymph node doesn’t really bother me though, it’s this super intense and HUGE zit on my chin that does. It doesn’t help that I’ve been picking and squeezing at it non-stop since it erupted so that now it looks more I scraped my chin with rough sand paper for like 10 hours… It’s horrible, and no amount of make up seems to cover it.

I have no clue how it’s going to go tonight and I have refrained from trying to figure out how it’s gonna go. I am not getting my hopes up but I also don’t have a bleak outlook on things. Mostly because I really don’t feel like freaking out. I’m just gonna role with the punches and hope I don’t get hit. I am so cliche. Anyways.. what else is happening in my life…

I talked to a friend yesterday about my trust issues and she seems to have a different perspective than I do. She seems to think that it’s my relationship before this one that messed up my sense of men. Basically what happened was I had been seeing this guy for like 2 months or so, but in those 2 months I fell so head of heels completely for this guy that I was blinded to what was actually happening. This guy promised me the stars and the moon and everything in between. He said that he would be there for me and was planning a future with me. He said that he didn’t have time to play games because (and here’s where I missed the point) he had just gotten out of a 9 (!!!) year (!!!) relationship. I should have seen the warning signs. I was substitute for his ex but I wasn’t his ex. And as soon as he figured that out he informed me that (and I’m using his precise words) he could “never fall in love” with me. Ouch. Harsh. I had clearly already fallen. And having my heart ripped out and stomped on like that was a new thing. What followed were two days of boohoo, locked up in my room, not eating at all, just leaving my room for the occasional whizz on the toilet. So sad. It was bad because I had never had anyone do that to me before and I felt like I was completely unlovable. On the following monday I decided to pick my self up and throw myself into the dating scene, head first. I went on three consecutive dates that week and made myself feel better with all of the boys that wanted a piece of me. The attention did me good and on the second date I met the one that I am with now. He treated me like a queen and I told my mother about him straight away. I didn’t think it was possible to find someone like him anymore, someone who holds open doors, pays for crap and compliments you every second he gets. Trust me, I was suspicious too. I can honestly say, for the first couple of months at least, I didn’t believe a word that was coming out of his mouth. I thought that everything he was telling me was a lie and that he was just about to leave me.

I think it’s different now, I still don’t believe everything, but I’m getting there. Opening up. Letting him in. I hope I get there before I screw this up though. I love him, I really do.

 

UPDATE: It didn’t happen, my dad’s plane got cancelled. 😦

why you cry?

I seem to have a knack for crying at everything and anything in sight. If there’s an older couple dancing together on a dance floor and he’s holder her just right my imagination goes wild and I see their entire life flash before my eyes. The children they had, the hardships they faced, sickness, the hurts, everything. My eyes start welling up and I’m done. Man, I could cry now. Dammit! Just the idea that this old old couple are still together after all those years and still seem like they’re in love is wonderful to me. In my head I know that I’m making up all these things and maybe this blissful moment is just that, a moment in time and they fight all the time bla bla bla. Cynical statement about love.

I am one of those cynical, or as I like to refer to myself, realistic people. In my own life, there is no time for fairy tales, no time for wishing on stars or dreaming about what could be. In my world, the only way to get from A to B is by yourself. You get yourself there, it is you and only you. Not in a narcissistic way, not like I’m pushing people out of the way to get where I’m going but I believe that in the end, the only person that will be there for me is me. Call me negative but I do believe that. I think what it is is a form of self preservation, making sure not to let anyone too close to ever hurt me.

But when I witness something that does not fit in the way I see the world. Something that other people believe in, something like what I described above, for a split second my world shatters and I become a hopeless romantic and day dream believer and all my defenses are down and the dams to heart open up and gush out of my eyes.

In a way I hope I change, I kinda like the feeling of believing this kind of thing is possible. You could say I’m battling my inner cynic. At the moment it’s 50/50.

click

It’s amazing how music can change your mood. I don’t know how it is for other people but personally, when I’m listening to music it automatically changes how I feel. It changes how I see the world and what I see in the world.

Of course it depends on what kind of music I’m listening to and my mood can go either way. For instance when I listen to:

It makes me feel bad ass. I walk around with a little more presence and a “don’t fuck with me” look on my face. It’s funny because if my sister sees me walking towards her, she immediately knows what kind of music I’m listening to at that very moment. She’ll laugh and go “Are you listening to rap??” haha. yup. I’m gangsta.

Or let’s say I’m listening to something like:

And I’m sitting in the train or bus, everything seems kind of floaty and high.. I don’t know exactly how to describe it, it’s not a depressing feeling, it’s really nice. Different. The colours seem to be more vibrant too. My face of course acts accordingly and I get a lot of strange looks from people who think I’m on something.

Then again if I listen to:

I feel like jumping and dancing and bopping along. Sometimes I will, even in public and I’ll have a huge smile on my face.

Funny how music can do that…

innocence

I was riding home on public transport the other day and there was this kid that had just exited the tram and was walking with the tram. I was sitting at the window listening to music thinking about things. All of a sudden I hear a thud on the window and I look up and it’s this little kid dramatically holding on to the window and mouthing “NOOOO…” as the tram picked up speed. Like in a movie scene where the train starts moving and the lovers have to part. It was such an innocent joke to play on someone, no malice in his eyes what so ever. This got me thinking, when do we lose that? That pure, unadulterated innocence? And is there still some of that pureness in us?

I don’t have the answer. But it did trigger more thoughts. The tram stopped a little down the road and there were two guys in a big BMW with nice white leather interior. They were dressed in FUBU from head to toe, or whatever is hot and gangsta now a days. I locked eyes with the driver, I don’t wanna be judgmental, but you know that car was not bought with legal funds. I felt a certain sadness, because he reminded me a little of the kid from before and this made me think what if that adorable sweet child turns into this dude. Sad.

This triggered the thought about power and money and how susceptible people are to it. Especially men. And how it changes them. I know this from personal experience. The men with power and money are the most despicable men on this earth. They are corrupt and vial and disgusting. They do things that are immoral and bad. They hurt others without a care in the world. They are narcissistic. And worst of all, all they want is more. More power and more money and they can’t stop. It’s like an addiction and they are blinded in their path to, what they think is, greatness. I have yet to meet a man of status that has not cheated on his wife or is an alcoholic or is addicted to some other thing.

That got me thinking about the main man in my life and his struggle to make ends meet every month. How responsible he is at only 26: he owns his own house, he has a steady job (that he dislikes) and he is still the sweetest person I have ever met. And when we’re together I sometimes see that innocence, that little boy, that twinkle in his eyes and I hope that it stays that way.