always

Being the oldest of the bunch is not always fun. It means that you get less attention and are always the one that is looked at when something needs solving or organising. As if for some strange reason those extra couple of years also came with a life time of experience in everything. Not only are you the one that has to organize everyone and everything for the other siblings, no matter how competent and old they already are. But for some reason you’re parents also treat you differently, now I’m not saying that they don’t treat you like their child. It’s just different. My mother always says, there’s things I can discuss with you that I can’t with your other siblings. Now I don’t know if this is because of the maturity issue or if it’s a personality thing?? I hope it’s a personality thing, but I fear it’s just the two years extra that I have that my sister does not.

Being the oldest also brings the most responsibility, bla bla bla. And most of the time I feel like any emotional outbursts automatically shun you from the rest of the litter for at least a day or two. Emotions should be kept to oneself at all times. Especially if it’s something that everyone is crying about, then you can’t cry. If you do, the others look at you with big, wet eyes and you can see them thinking “WHAT ARE YOU DOING?? YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO CRY!! YOU MUST BE STRONG AND TAKE CARE OF US!”

I realise that this blog is becoming a lot of me me me. But as you can tell, and I don’t mean to toot my own horn, that doesn’t happen a lot in real life. And since nobody I know knows about this blog, I’m letting my emotions run free and saying whatever the fuck I feel like saying. No regrets. No holding back.

I am trying to be a bit more selfish in my real life too. Trying to not let people step all over me anymore by making me feel guilty about not giving into their needs and wants for once. I shall keep count of my selfish acts. I can feel number one coming on.

Song on the radio:

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