This year for christmas, in the spirit of giving, my family decided to do a secret santa instead of the usual excessive amounts of gifts under the tree. We all thought it would be good to just have one present under the tree than the usual 5 different ones. It was a good decision, there’s no budget so we can get whatever we want and instead of spending a little on a lot, you guessed it, we can spend a lot on one special person in the family. I have to say, there’s nothing that I want at the moment, I’m disgustingly happy.
There was one thing that my sister suggested we do though, for our secret santa we have to write a poem or story about them. *barf* I suck at writing. Especially if there’s a task attached to it.
But I’m gonna give it a go here: (Just for your information, my secret santa is my dad.)
So many things to say about you and I just can’t seem to find words to formulate them. I don’t know how honest we have to be in this letter so instead of focusing on the past I’m going to focus on the present and everything that is happening now and could happen in the future.
I guess the best way to describe the present is better. Better than before. Maybe not as good as it could be but it’s better. This is not a note to despair on, better is after all better. And better means that the best is yet to come. Something to look forward to, and what is life without something to look forward to? I guess that’s one thing that the past, that I said I wasn’t going to mention, has taught me. You are never done bettering. Besides, how boring would life be if there was nothing to improve on? It’s a way to get by, a way to get closer to the notion of perfection, which is hardly ever reached anyway.
I guess what I want to say is do what you always tell us to do. Never stop trying to better yourself, in any way you can. Life, family, home, love, friends. Or whatever springs to mind when you hear the word better.
Remember that the little things count, pay attention to the people who are closest to you, learn to accept the things you cannot change, change things that can be changed. I know from experience that some things are hard to change and it takes a lot of determination to change them but it’s possible. But the hardest part to accept most of the time is that it’s not other people that need to change, it’s you.
But most of all, be happy. I hope you are happy.
I was talking about compromise to my boyfriend the other day and I didn’t feel like I was getting through to him. So yesterday in a wild over the phone texting argument, I explained it to him in boy language. I said: It’s like this, if I would stop doing all the things I might not like with you, we would not spend time together anymore. And then he was all I’m so sorry and I promise I’ll be better, you deserve so much more than what I’m giving you and I know that, please believe me. Of course I want to believe him and I am trying my best but until I see some actions in his court, it’s gonna be hard to convince me with a bunch of sappy bullshit he may or may not have heard in some bob marley song. But yeah, still trying to give him the benefit of the doubt.
Now I don’t want people to get the wrong idea of him, he is most probably the most attentive, sweetest guys I have ever met. And he has a way that makes me feel like I’m the most beautiful girl in the world. On a side note; looking at his exes and flings, that is the case, and he is one lucky motherfucker to be dating me. He loves his family, is hard working and responsible (most of the time). So I am very lucky to be dating him too. The difference is that instead of always telling him, I show him. I do little things around his house to surprise him, like the dishes, so he doesn’t have to do them when he comes home after a long day at work. And I always spoil him with yummy dishes and make sure that he is always satisfied in bed. I do things for him.
I just feel like it should come from both sides, and I don’t think that swallowing it (no pun intended) and waiting for him to notice all the little things I do whilst idly sitting by and thanking me for all the things is worth it. And bringing these things up early in a relationship is probably for the best too. So he has time to change, or I have time to move on. I know it’s a harsh thing to say, and I really hope that it doesn’t come to that because our babies would be adorable, but it’s just how I feel. But please please please don’t let the latter have to happen. please. I loves him.
It’s been a great couple of days, really. A kind of weekend that puts things back into perspective and regenerated my brain to go after what I want. It’s not that I did a lot or talked all too much but I cleared my head, walking around the city I love. Re-seeing the things I love about it and reliving the emotions that I felt once upon a time.
I did have to put up with my sister’s quick temper which always catches me off guard. I never know what I did or said wrong, maybe it’s how I word things or the tone in which I say them. I feel that change is something that can’t be forced onto others so I try to look at my actions and see if maybe I can change something that I’m doing.
Missed the boyfriend this weekend though. It’s a strange feeling, this missing feeling. It’s literally like something is missing. My sister and I were walking through a chinese light show that was on in town and I would unconsciously look beside me and think that my boyfriend was standing there. Like he was supposed to be there, watching the lights with me, feeling warm in the blistering cold. Nope. No one there, move on to the next light. Not that I need him there constantly, but there are just times and places where I feel like he should be there. Like I want to share the things that I’m seeing and feeling with him. I was never one of these girls that always wanted a certain person around them. On the contrary, I liked my space and being alone suited me just fine, it still does sometimes which is a little hard considering I have a roommate at the moment. Not that I mind her, she’s awesome and we’re friends so that makes the situation even easier. But when I’m with my boyfriend I don’t ever have that “I want to be alone feeling”. Weird. Good weird.
He worked all weekend so on sunday night, after his shift he came around to my place and we smoked and talked in the kitchen and then went to bed around 4am after a much needed intimate session of love making. hahaahha.. then we woke up around 3pm and did our thing till he had to leave for work again at 9:30 pm. Saying goodbye was kinda tough, I knew that I wouldn’t see him again until at least friday, I’m thinking of making it thursday now… hmm.
Anyway, good weekend. YAY!
I did a bad, bad thing. I went through my boyfriend’s online history. I don’t know why, I think I wanted to delete some of my own, to not mess up his computer and there it was, staring me in the face. Every website he had visited and every facebook page he had checked. I found something that freaked me out, of course. A name of a girl, that I didn’t know. I quickly checked it on my phone to see if he was friends with her, had any friends in common or (worst) to see if she was hot. She was. PANIC set in. He saw it on my face. “What’s wrong, baby?” he asked. “Nothing.” I said my voice quivering. Thoughts were racing through my mind, if I tell him about this he’ll know that I was checking his history and of course I will end up being the bad guy. “Tell me, I can see it on your face that something is up!” He demanded. I start nervously laughing, “Nooooo.. You’re gonna think I’m a freak…” Of course I ended up telling him and trying to explain my situation, that I’m not a freak and that I trust him and that I know he wouldn’t do anything. It was just something that upset me. He sighed and told me to look through all of the history, that he had nothing to hide. I believe him. I really do. But there’s something inside me that’s just too curious for my own good. Guess that saying is correct.
I don’t know what it is inside me that thinks that everything good in my life will end eventually and that nothing will ever just be. I have a feeling though that it’s all to do with everything that I’ve been through. Finding out at the age of 20 that my father is cheating on my mother, having to keep it a secret for 6 months during which I wrote several extremely ill-mannered letters and didn’t speak to my father once. To only later (5 years) find out that he had been serially cheating on my mother with several different women over the course of 23 years (!!!). It may have a little something to do with that.
But anyways, writing it down always seems to help. So there, vented. Time to get on with some good, good loving.