I did a bad, bad thing. I went through my boyfriend’s online history. I don’t know why, I think I wanted to delete some of my own, to not mess up his computer and there it was, staring me in the face. Every website he had visited and every facebook page he had checked. I found something that freaked me out, of course. A name of a girl, that I didn’t know. I quickly checked it on my phone to see if he was friends with her, had any friends in common or (worst) to see if she was hot. She was. PANIC set in. He saw it on my face. “What’s wrong, baby?” he asked. “Nothing.” I said my voice quivering. Thoughts were racing through my mind, if I tell him about this he’ll know that I was checking his history and of course I will end up being the bad guy. “Tell me, I can see it on your face that something is up!” He demanded. I start nervously laughing, “Nooooo.. You’re gonna think I’m a freak…” Of course I ended up telling him and trying to explain my situation, that I’m not a freak and that I trust him and that I know he wouldn’t do anything. It was just something that upset me. He sighed and told me to look through all of the history, that he had nothing to hide. I believe him. I really do. But there’s something inside me that’s just too curious for my own good. Guess that saying is correct.

I don’t know what it is inside me that thinks that everything good in my life will end eventually and that nothing will ever just be. I have a feeling though that it’s all to do with everything that I’ve been through. Finding out at the age of 20 that my father is cheating on my mother, having to keep it a secret for 6 months during which I wrote several extremely ill-mannered letters and didn’t speak to my father once. To only later (5 years) find out that he had been serially cheating on my mother with several different women over the course of 23 years (!!!). It may have a little something to do with that.

But anyways, writing it down always seems to help. So there, vented. Time to get on with some good, good loving.



2 thoughts on “feelings

  1. honestly, i think everyone would do the same if they could. I know I did, and I found mine checking out his old flings new boyfriend. Shit happens, you can trust someone with your whole heart, but your brain will create doubt.

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