evil brain

Been going a little crazy lately, I know, what’s new? But I really think that this time it’s different. I really need to figure out where this crazy obsession that someone is hiding something from me needs to go. I need to figure out a way to get rid of these horrible feelings. I asked my boyfriend if he was hiding something and he said that I could go through everything of his and check his email and his computer… But there is something in the back of my head that won’t take away this feeling. Maybe it’s because of the emails I did find, disturbing pictures that he got from a way older woman. So disturbing. And the fact that he still has them. I guess I shouldn’t judge, it’s not like I didn’t do my share of bad bad things before him. I mean we all have a history, it’s just something that we come with, that we need to accept from each other. But for some reason there is still this nagging feeling. gross. mental images that will never go away!!! shivers everywhere!! Then there were other emails that I read (keep in mind, this was all before we got together) from him to random chicks. Then from him to his ex (one that caught me completely off guard seeing as it was post and pre break up) about how much he missed her blabla.. And it just struck a chord with me, about the things that he says to me now. And I know that during that relationship he was also in contact with this chick that he’s been into for years but that was never into him. So I really hope that if this chick now turns around and says that she loves him that he doesn’t just ditch me for her. I guess that’s the main issue here. I’m afraid of losing him… AH. Of course, makes sense.

I just would like every guy out there know, don’t mess with us girls, we have ways to find out if you are faithful or not. And we do not stop until we find our proof. We’re worse than the FBI and the CIA combined, we are straight up private I’s that should be paid millions because when we put our mind to something, WE WILL NOT STOP until we find something. And I found stuff, but nothing that is from our time together. So that’s a good thing. We’re good. And I need to remember that the next time I start freaking out.

Although I also know that guys, if they don’t want to be found out will do everything to not be caught.

So I guess I just have to trust and believe that he is not going to break my heart. Otherwise I know I will never be able to give it to him fully, not that I can physically do this, I know, but just in my mind I need to do this.

rambler out!

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