Soo, my relationship ended after 5 years and 1.5 years of marriage. Yup. Got married, thought it would be forever. Really did. Really believed that shit.
So he asked me on the 25th of December 2014 under the full moon and stars on the Seychelles. I said “you crazy motherfucker” and accepted. 7 months later with all of our friends and family present we said yes to each other. For better or worse, right? Wrong. He left as soon as things got a little tough, he talked himself out of loving me. He told me so. I fought, even when he said he didn’t love me, I put down my pride and fought until I could not fight anymore.
Last year in October I noticed he was turning into a completely different person so putting aside all of my pride and knowing what the outcome would be I asked him: “would you be happier without me?” His answer: “Yes.” And that was that, he left, I “helped” him pack his bag (threw his shit out the door along with him, let my emotions get the best of me there).
That wasn’t the end of it, a month later he contacted me to get the divorce started and I said I was in town so we should meet face to face to talk it out. He came to town and started sobbing and saying that he made a mistake and now that he sees me he realises it and wants me back. I honestly didn’t know what to think, was this too goo to be true, was this what I wanted? I didn’t know, but I knew that my feelings had not gone away, I knew that I still loved him and would try again to make it work. For 7 days we were on cloud 9, we hibernated and just held on to each other as if our lives depended on it. As if we were the only two people left on earth. Then I had to go home because I was celebrating my sister’s 30th and I have never felt such fear in my entire life, like the world was closing in on me. What if he changes his mind again?? I came back to find that my fears were correct. He left me AGAIN, 3 days after coming home, said that in the four days I was gone he hadn’t missed me so that obviously meant that he didn’t love me. I almost laughed out loud when I heard that, wanted to tear his stupid head off but I didn’t. This time I remained calm and just let him walk out, I could not fight for this love anymore. This was the last time he would do this to me.
Wrong again! HAHAHA! I am a sucker for punishment. I moved out of the country and started my life all over again in a new big city, close to my friends and far away from him. 3 months later he writes me an sms asking me if I hated him and if I had completely given up on him. Then he wrote me a novel telling me how much he misses me and wants me back, begging me to take him back. I responded that I didn’t know what to believe at this point, that this wasn’t the first time he’s said something like that so I would need more proof that he’s willing to work on us and himself. He came to the city where I live now and told me he completely changed his mind from the last email he sent. I was stoic and felt nauseous the entire time he was around me, my body was giving me all the signs I needed to let go of him once and for all. I’m done.
Watching people reading glossy magazines got me thinking.
I’m not the kind of girl who buys those magazines, unless it’s for a short flight and I know there aren’t any movies available, but when I do I read them like my life depends on it. Like everything that is in them is pure gold and I need to eat the words off the page and absorb them into my skin and keep them there. I now have a tab book marked on my computer for nerve, an online magazine that is not really comparable to any offline magazine. It’s a cynical type magazine about everything you could think of, from romances to fashion and some gossip and other things. It’s really interesting, but just like the glossy magazines it’s about relatable things, things that you can track back to your own life and feel connected. I feel like we only read things that we can relate to and that makes complete sense. I mean why would I want to read something when there is non of me in it. It may sound selfish but I guess that’s the way we are being brought up at the moment. What is best for me, how can I get farther in life, me me me….
I sometimes wish I was as interested in those magazines I used to get as a kid with all the different plants and animals in it. They were magazines I would eat up like the ones today, but only I would learn something from them. I wish I could be one of those people that can sit down with a “National Geographic” and read it cover to cover. And actually read it, not flip through it looking at the pictures and see if there was anything in it that I found fun or terrifying, something that spoke to me on some level.
I feel ashamed when I go into a magazine store and feel myself eyeing the people magazines and really wanting to buy one. So I force myself to go to the tech section and check out what’s coming out, because that’s the only other thing in the magazine store that really interests me. I don’t wanna be one of those chicks. Who cares when which kardashian is popping out another baby??? Who cares who else is getting a divorce, liposuction, boob job or going to rehab. I do. Dammit. I love reading about all the crazy things people with fame and money do. And I always think to myself, if I was that rich and famous I would be the most awesome rich and famous person an everyone would love me because I was so awesome and giving and kind. Aaah. Day dreams ahoy!
So anyway, what I really wanted to say was I wish I was still as eager to learn about good, non-selfish things as I was when I was younger. But I remember getting bored super quick with those learning mags.
In a world where everything is going from offline to online, where we don’t have personal conversations anymore but rather tweet everything that is on our mind we feel like we’re closer to each other than ever. I don’t think that this is the case. I feel like if anything this movement from offline personal fce to face conversations to online anonymous conversations has given us the feeling that we are allowed to say anything, anywhere and at any time.
Maybe i’m a bit of a hypocrite, since i too am hiding behind an alias spewing words (sometimes hateful) onto a blank webpage. (Oh my god, i just noticed that webpage has been recognized as an actual word by my spell checker, when did that happen? How old am i?!?) But still, i think that there was an advantage of face to face conversations, not that i’m not enjoying these online rants, i just think that having realtime (and that does not include skype or whatsapp) conversations are much more important.
I can give a personal example: i often whatsapp my boyfriend my problems and i always feel like, yes i may be getting all the words out correctly and everything seems to be making sense, but a lot of the actual message is lost in hyper space as he doesn’t know in what tone i’m saying them, i can’t touch his arm to comfort him and look him in the eye and tell him i don’t mean it in a bad way. All those text messages come across quite monotonously and bluntly as all the information is cast out in one big dump. It’s not really a real conversation as much as tiny monologues where you keep trying to up the other person.
The other thing that annoys me is that people love leaving these cryptic messages like “i wanna know how you feel about me..” Who?!? What?!? Why?!? This annoys the crap out of me. I may not be one for confrontation but seriously grow some balls and ask the person in question. It’s attention seeking little bitch behavior that should be punished by in this case a rude one liner.
The come up of social networks = loss of balls.
So sick and tired of all the people getting fucking pregnant all around me. Like it’s no big deal, oh I just feel like bringing a little more life into the world. Seriously people, does nobody realize the repercussions of birthing children? I mean sure, they’re fun, for the first couple of years and then it’s just a constant whining and yammering about all the crap they want. After that they start to hate you and that goes on for about 10 years and if you have more children you could be hated for a long time. Who wants to be hated??? NOBODY! That shit sucks. It’s like sure, I brought you into this world, I made you survive, I fed, clothed and washed your ass and what do I get for it? HATE? No thank you. Then they start talking and asking why all the time and you have to give them reasons like you’re fucking GOD. Oh and the walking part happens and all you do is worry about them getting their pretty little faces hurt. And then the personalities start coming out and you can tell if your kid is gonna be an asshole or not and you wonder if it’s your fault or is it society but it’s probably the teachers, those fuckers fucked up your child. And you gotta look out for pedo’s and creepsters and hope your kid is smart enough to not join a gang or be a street thug or deal drugs or have a baby before they can handle it. Not that it ever gets any easier.
Screw you, you little bastard. You took away my life. I have no life because of you, you have my life. You STOLE MY LIFE. I give you everything. You are probably gonna ruin mommy and daddy’s perfect relationship because we can’t have sex anymore because you suck all of our energy dry. And daddy has to work over time coz he has to make more money for your little ass and he resents having to do this so he starts to hate your mommy and starts seeing other women, or maybe even whores because there are no feelings involved.
WOW. So glad I don’t have to deal with any of this shit yet, or maybe ever. Thinking very hard about whether or not to birth evil little creatures any time soon.
Been going a little crazy lately, I know, what’s new? But I really think that this time it’s different. I really need to figure out where this crazy obsession that someone is hiding something from me needs to go. I need to figure out a way to get rid of these horrible feelings. I asked my boyfriend if he was hiding something and he said that I could go through everything of his and check his email and his computer… But there is something in the back of my head that won’t take away this feeling. Maybe it’s because of the emails I did find, disturbing pictures that he got from a way older woman. So disturbing. And the fact that he still has them. I guess I shouldn’t judge, it’s not like I didn’t do my share of bad bad things before him. I mean we all have a history, it’s just something that we come with, that we need to accept from each other. But for some reason there is still this nagging feeling. gross. mental images that will never go away!!! shivers everywhere!! Then there were other emails that I read (keep in mind, this was all before we got together) from him to random chicks. Then from him to his ex (one that caught me completely off guard seeing as it was post and pre break up) about how much he missed her blabla.. And it just struck a chord with me, about the things that he says to me now. And I know that during that relationship he was also in contact with this chick that he’s been into for years but that was never into him. So I really hope that if this chick now turns around and says that she loves him that he doesn’t just ditch me for her. I guess that’s the main issue here. I’m afraid of losing him… AH. Of course, makes sense.
I just would like every guy out there know, don’t mess with us girls, we have ways to find out if you are faithful or not. And we do not stop until we find our proof. We’re worse than the FBI and the CIA combined, we are straight up private I’s that should be paid millions because when we put our mind to something, WE WILL NOT STOP until we find something. And I found stuff, but nothing that is from our time together. So that’s a good thing. We’re good. And I need to remember that the next time I start freaking out.
Although I also know that guys, if they don’t want to be found out will do everything to not be caught.
So I guess I just have to trust and believe that he is not going to break my heart. Otherwise I know I will never be able to give it to him fully, not that I can physically do this, I know, but just in my mind I need to do this.
So after the boyfriend left for work about 4 hours ago I was surfing the web, pinterest and various other surfable places. It’s amazing what’s out there and the different people you find, sharing their stories and views. I’m a big fan of people and their views. Unless they’re stupid in which case I just don’t listen to them, althoughhhhhh…. No, I take it back, sometimes the stupider a person is the more entertaining their view points are. So I am an all over people person. Wait, no, I’m not. Ok, on certain occasions I am a people person. Anyway, wow, little side track there. Right, so I was surfing pinterest and I came across this guy called “Olan Rogers” and the first video I saw of him was this one:
It cracked me up. I am the kind of person who will be walking around somewhere with my iPod in and not even notice that I’m bopping along. So when I saw him full on dancing around in super markets and hallways I felt an instant connection. I love when people have the ability to just be themselves without caring what other people are thinking. Awesome quality.
So it intrigued me, so I thought to myself, who is this guy and why is he famous, what does he do? Singer? Actor? Some american real life soap star I do not know about yet? I must find out. So I clicked this video:
And I couldn’t believe it. He was hilarious, or at least in my eyes he was. The inside conversation that he was having with the valet parking guy and the whole crumb dusting thing, I feel the same way! This is all I have seen of him so far and I’m afraid to watch anything more due to the fact that it might not be as funny and this will be an overall let down of the hype that I have built around him in my head from the previous two videos.
Oh well, here goes nothing…
Sitting at home after a surgery and being told by the doctor that you must take it easy is different from those days when you choose to be lazy. Being told to be lazy, i feel, changes the feel of the laziness. It makes it less enjoyable. I want to be able to enjoy my laziness, really put some effort into it and really lazy it up! But finding new TV shows to watch it difficult when you’ve caught up on all your shows and there aren’t any new ones until tomorrow. So I have to go out on a limb and try something completely new, embark on a journey outside of my comfort zone. Not something I would normally want to do when I am lazying it up. But I must……
I saw a commercial on TV for a show that runs on Foxlife, it’s called “Touch”. And I just finished the first episode of the first season and needless to say, I’m downloading the full first season as I type. Yes, I am hooked to Touch. Thank you Kieffer Sutherland for quitting that boreland “24”. This is much much better. Let me just say, it ended in a soaked sweater sleeves.
So maybe being told to relax is ok. I guess you can be lazy when told to, if your will is strong enough and you have some shows to watch or a good book to read. PAHAHAHA.. yeah sure. read. me. pfffff. ok bye now.