Boy, bye.

Soo, my relationship ended after 5 years and 1.5 years of marriage. Yup. Got married, thought it would be forever. Really did. Really believed that shit.

So he asked me on the 25th of December 2014 under the full moon and stars on the Seychelles. I said “you crazy motherfucker” and accepted. 7 months later with all of our friends and family present we said yes to each other. For better or worse, right? Wrong. He left as soon as things got a little tough, he talked himself out of loving me. He told me so. I fought, even when he said he didn’t love me, I put down my pride and fought until I could not fight anymore.

Last year in October I noticed he was turning into a completely different person so putting aside all of my pride and knowing what the outcome would be I asked him: “would you be happier without me?” His answer: “Yes.” And that was that, he left, I “helped” him pack his bag (threw his shit out the door along with him, let my emotions get the best of me there).

That wasn’t the end of it, a month later he contacted me to get the divorce started and I said I was in town so we should meet face to face to talk it out. He came to town and started sobbing and saying that he made a mistake and now that he sees me he realises it and wants me back. I honestly didn’t know what to think, was this too goo to be true, was this what I wanted? I didn’t know, but I knew that my feelings had not gone away, I knew that I still loved him and would try again to make it work. For 7 days we were on cloud 9, we hibernated and just held on to each other as if our lives depended on it. As if we were the only two people left on earth. Then I had to go home because I was celebrating my sister’s 30th and I have never felt such fear in my entire life, like the world was closing in on me. What if he changes his mind again?? I came back to find that my fears were correct. He left me AGAIN, 3 days after coming home, said that in the four days I was gone he hadn’t missed me so that obviously meant that he didn’t love me. I almost laughed out loud when I heard that, wanted to tear his stupid head off but I didn’t. This time I remained calm and just let him walk out, I could not fight for this love anymore. This was the last time he would do this to me.

Wrong again! HAHAHA! I am a sucker for punishment. I moved out of the country and started my life all over again in a new big city, close to my friends and far away from him. 3 months later he writes me an sms asking me if I hated him and if I had completely given up on him. Then he wrote me a novel telling me how much he misses me and wants me back, begging me to take him back. I responded that I didn’t know what to believe at this point, that this wasn’t the first time he’s said something like that so I would need more proof that he’s willing to work on us and himself. He came to the city where I live now and told me he completely changed his mind from the last email he sent. I was stoic and felt nauseous the entire time he was around me, my body was giving me all the signs I needed to let go of him once and for all. I’m done.

boybye

compromise

compromise

I was talking about compromise to my boyfriend the other day and I didn’t feel like I was getting through to him. So yesterday in a wild over the phone texting argument, I explained it to him in boy language. I said: It’s like this, if I would stop doing all the things I might not like with you, we would not spend time together anymore. And then he was all I’m so sorry and I promise I’ll be better, you deserve so much more than what I’m giving you and I know that, please believe me. Of course I want to believe him and I am trying my best but until I see some actions in his court, it’s gonna be hard to convince me with a bunch of sappy bullshit he may or may not have heard in some bob marley song. But yeah, still trying to give him the benefit of the doubt.

Now I don’t want people to get the wrong idea of him, he is most probably the most attentive, sweetest guys I have ever met. And he has a way that makes me feel like I’m the most beautiful girl in the world. On a side note; looking at his exes and flings, that is the case, and he is one lucky motherfucker to be dating me. He loves his family, is hard working and responsible (most of the time). So I am very lucky to be dating him too. The difference is that instead of always telling him, I show him. I do little things around his house to surprise him, like the dishes, so he doesn’t have to do them when he comes home after a long day at work. And I always spoil him with yummy dishes and make sure that he is always satisfied in bed. I do things for him.

I just feel like it should come from both sides, and I don’t think that swallowing it (no pun intended) and waiting for him to notice all the little things I do whilst idly sitting by and thanking me for all the things is worth it. And bringing these things up early in a relationship is probably for the best too. So he has time to change, or I have time to move on. I know it’s a harsh thing to say, and I really hope that it doesn’t come to that because our babies would be adorable, but it’s just how I feel. But please please please don’t let the latter have to happen. please. I loves him.

together

together

It’s been a great couple of days, really. A kind of weekend that puts things back into perspective and regenerated my brain to go after what I want. It’s not that I did a lot or talked all too much but I cleared my head, walking around the city I love. Re-seeing the things I love about it and reliving the emotions that I felt once upon a time.

I did have to put up with my sister’s quick temper which always catches me off guard. I never know what I did or said wrong, maybe it’s how I word things or the tone in which I say them. I feel that change is something that can’t be forced onto others so I try to look at my actions and see if maybe I can change something that I’m doing.

Missed the boyfriend this weekend though. It’s a strange feeling, this missing feeling. It’s literally like something is missing. My sister and I were walking through a chinese light show that was on in town and I would unconsciously look beside me and think that my boyfriend was standing there. Like he was supposed to be there, watching the lights with me, feeling warm in the blistering cold. Nope. No one there, move on to the next light. Not that I need him there constantly, but there are just times and places where I feel like he should be there. Like I want to share the things that I’m seeing and feeling with him. I was never one of these girls that always wanted a certain person around them. On the contrary, I liked my space and being alone suited me just fine, it still does sometimes which is a little hard considering I have a roommate at the moment. Not that I mind her, she’s awesome and we’re friends so that makes the situation even easier. But when I’m with my boyfriend I don’t ever have that “I want to be alone feeling”. Weird. Good weird.

He worked all weekend so on sunday night, after his shift he came around to my place and we smoked and talked in the kitchen and then went to bed around 4am after a much needed intimate session of love making. hahaahha.. then we woke up around 3pm and did our thing till he had to leave for work again at 9:30 pm. Saying goodbye was kinda tough, I knew that I wouldn’t see him again until at least friday, I’m thinking of making it thursday now… hmm.

Anyway, good weekend. YAY!

 

Jealousy

Last friday, it was my sister’s birthday party and I had been feeling fine and was excited to bring my boyfriend along to the party. Finally, everyone would see that he’s not made up, he exists! HAHA.. We took the train after a long day of trying to fix an (to us) unfixable appliance at home. So we got there a little late, but that didn’t matter.. Everyone was chilling around the table, drinking and smoking and talking and laughing. There was music blasting through a little stereo on the table by the door and people were everywhere. I said Hi to everyone and congratulated my sister, giving her the presents that I had gotten her. My boyfriend said hi to everyone too and placed himself on the ‘boy’ end of the table. I knew that he was social enough for me to leave him there. He was drinking and talking and chilling, towards the middle of the night he started smoking weed. I have no problems with that, it’s something that he does normally, I’m actually glad because it means that he doesn’t drink a lot. I hate alcohol, especially when ingested by someone I’m dating, so I’m very happy he hardly ever drinks.

Towards the end of the night, everyone is still drinking and seating has been rearranged a couple of times. There had been some dancing and some popping of the champagne that I got my sister, popped by this girl and unfortunately it got all over me because I suck at opening champagne bottles or something. Classic.

I was dancing in the ‘living room’ part of the house and when I turn around my sister is sharing a chair with my boyfriend. I looked and my head was like ‘ok, when did that happen? What the fuck? Get the fuck off my boyfriends chair, bitch!’ Then I took a step towards them, I was FUMING. Couldn’t think straight, all that was going through my head was craziness. My stare was burning a whole through her head, I think she might have noticed because she eventually got up. The next day my boyfriend and I were sitting on the couch talking, I was still annoyed, I know he didn’t know and I know he doesn’t think he did anything wrong (which to his defense he didn’t, and neither did my sister, it’s my own insecurities that I need to deal with..) and he starts asking me about a friend of my sisters (a guy, my sister’s ex’s best friend, a guy) and how long they have been friends. So I told him, about 5 years, and he’s always had a thing for my sister. My boyfriends looks at me and says the words I had dreaded “you think that’s crazy, he’s a guy..” So I look at him and go “what do you mean with that?” And he says, “well your sister’s a cute girl and he’s a guy and after being friends for that long…. Guys can’t be friends with girls.”

“Your sister’s a cute girl”……”Your sister’s a cute girl”… It kept echoing through my head over and over again.

How could I think that? I have no reason. He loves me, he tells me how happy he is with me. My sister is cute, and she’s my best friend. She would never do anything to hurt me like that. Neither would my boyfriend. None of the things in my head are true. And there’s nothing to suspect otherwise. I need to get over all of this madness. The only person it’s hurting is me, and if it keeps going it will eventually end up in me losing my boyfriend or even worse the amazing friendship that I have with my sister.

Ok, there, it’s out of me… I shall get on with my life as a normal person now.

Besides, a very wise friend once told me that if you’re always scared of getting hurt you’ll never be able to give yourself completely to anyone. And I’ve experienced enough heart break and survived so I shouldn’t be so scared of it. Enough. Jealousy is horrible and it’s a disgusting trait to have. I will get over this. It’s time to trust and give myself completely, no matter the consequences.

Sign off song:

Tonight

Tonight is the night. The night that my father meets the new man in my life. The one that I think is gonna stick around, the one that might just be the one. I think I’m a little nervous. Why? Because my face broke out and I have a swollen lymph node under my jaw. My mandibular lymph node to be precise. It’s swollen up to the size of a walnut. When I’m nervous, I don’t feel the nervousness but for some reason my body likes to remind me that I am nervous. So I either get the runs or I get sick in some sort of way. The lymph node doesn’t really bother me though, it’s this super intense and HUGE zit on my chin that does. It doesn’t help that I’ve been picking and squeezing at it non-stop since it erupted so that now it looks more I scraped my chin with rough sand paper for like 10 hours… It’s horrible, and no amount of make up seems to cover it.

I have no clue how it’s going to go tonight and I have refrained from trying to figure out how it’s gonna go. I am not getting my hopes up but I also don’t have a bleak outlook on things. Mostly because I really don’t feel like freaking out. I’m just gonna role with the punches and hope I don’t get hit. I am so cliche. Anyways.. what else is happening in my life…

I talked to a friend yesterday about my trust issues and she seems to have a different perspective than I do. She seems to think that it’s my relationship before this one that messed up my sense of men. Basically what happened was I had been seeing this guy for like 2 months or so, but in those 2 months I fell so head of heels completely for this guy that I was blinded to what was actually happening. This guy promised me the stars and the moon and everything in between. He said that he would be there for me and was planning a future with me. He said that he didn’t have time to play games because (and here’s where I missed the point) he had just gotten out of a 9 (!!!) year (!!!) relationship. I should have seen the warning signs. I was substitute for his ex but I wasn’t his ex. And as soon as he figured that out he informed me that (and I’m using his precise words) he could “never fall in love” with me. Ouch. Harsh. I had clearly already fallen. And having my heart ripped out and stomped on like that was a new thing. What followed were two days of boohoo, locked up in my room, not eating at all, just leaving my room for the occasional whizz on the toilet. So sad. It was bad because I had never had anyone do that to me before and I felt like I was completely unlovable. On the following monday I decided to pick my self up and throw myself into the dating scene, head first. I went on three consecutive dates that week and made myself feel better with all of the boys that wanted a piece of me. The attention did me good and on the second date I met the one that I am with now. He treated me like a queen and I told my mother about him straight away. I didn’t think it was possible to find someone like him anymore, someone who holds open doors, pays for crap and compliments you every second he gets. Trust me, I was suspicious too. I can honestly say, for the first couple of months at least, I didn’t believe a word that was coming out of his mouth. I thought that everything he was telling me was a lie and that he was just about to leave me.

I think it’s different now, I still don’t believe everything, but I’m getting there. Opening up. Letting him in. I hope I get there before I screw this up though. I love him, I really do.

 

UPDATE: It didn’t happen, my dad’s plane got cancelled. 😦

why you cry?

I seem to have a knack for crying at everything and anything in sight. If there’s an older couple dancing together on a dance floor and he’s holder her just right my imagination goes wild and I see their entire life flash before my eyes. The children they had, the hardships they faced, sickness, the hurts, everything. My eyes start welling up and I’m done. Man, I could cry now. Dammit! Just the idea that this old old couple are still together after all those years and still seem like they’re in love is wonderful to me. In my head I know that I’m making up all these things and maybe this blissful moment is just that, a moment in time and they fight all the time bla bla bla. Cynical statement about love.

I am one of those cynical, or as I like to refer to myself, realistic people. In my own life, there is no time for fairy tales, no time for wishing on stars or dreaming about what could be. In my world, the only way to get from A to B is by yourself. You get yourself there, it is you and only you. Not in a narcissistic way, not like I’m pushing people out of the way to get where I’m going but I believe that in the end, the only person that will be there for me is me. Call me negative but I do believe that. I think what it is is a form of self preservation, making sure not to let anyone too close to ever hurt me.

But when I witness something that does not fit in the way I see the world. Something that other people believe in, something like what I described above, for a split second my world shatters and I become a hopeless romantic and day dream believer and all my defenses are down and the dams to heart open up and gush out of my eyes.

In a way I hope I change, I kinda like the feeling of believing this kind of thing is possible. You could say I’m battling my inner cynic. At the moment it’s 50/50.

innocence

I was riding home on public transport the other day and there was this kid that had just exited the tram and was walking with the tram. I was sitting at the window listening to music thinking about things. All of a sudden I hear a thud on the window and I look up and it’s this little kid dramatically holding on to the window and mouthing “NOOOO…” as the tram picked up speed. Like in a movie scene where the train starts moving and the lovers have to part. It was such an innocent joke to play on someone, no malice in his eyes what so ever. This got me thinking, when do we lose that? That pure, unadulterated innocence? And is there still some of that pureness in us?

I don’t have the answer. But it did trigger more thoughts. The tram stopped a little down the road and there were two guys in a big BMW with nice white leather interior. They were dressed in FUBU from head to toe, or whatever is hot and gangsta now a days. I locked eyes with the driver, I don’t wanna be judgmental, but you know that car was not bought with legal funds. I felt a certain sadness, because he reminded me a little of the kid from before and this made me think what if that adorable sweet child turns into this dude. Sad.

This triggered the thought about power and money and how susceptible people are to it. Especially men. And how it changes them. I know this from personal experience. The men with power and money are the most despicable men on this earth. They are corrupt and vial and disgusting. They do things that are immoral and bad. They hurt others without a care in the world. They are narcissistic. And worst of all, all they want is more. More power and more money and they can’t stop. It’s like an addiction and they are blinded in their path to, what they think is, greatness. I have yet to meet a man of status that has not cheated on his wife or is an alcoholic or is addicted to some other thing.

That got me thinking about the main man in my life and his struggle to make ends meet every month. How responsible he is at only 26: he owns his own house, he has a steady job (that he dislikes) and he is still the sweetest person I have ever met. And when we’re together I sometimes see that innocence, that little boy, that twinkle in his eyes and I hope that it stays that way.