Eager to learn

Watching people reading glossy magazines got me thinking.

I’m not the kind of girl who buys those magazines, unless it’s for a short flight and I know there aren’t any movies available, but when I do I read them like my life depends on it. Like everything that is in them is pure gold and I need to eat the words off the page and absorb them into my skin and keep them there. I now have a tab book marked on my computer for nerve, an online magazine that is not really comparable to any offline magazine. It’s a cynical type magazine about everything you could think of, from romances to fashion and some gossip and other things. It’s really interesting, but just like the glossy magazines it’s about relatable things, things that you can track back to your own life and feel connected. I feel like we only read things that we can relate to and that makes complete sense. I mean why would I want to read something when there is non of me in it. It may sound selfish but I guess that’s the way we are being brought up at the moment. What is best for me, how can I get farther in life, me me me….

I sometimes wish I was as interested in those magazines I used to get as a kid with all the different plants and animals in it. They were magazines I would eat up like the ones today, but only I would learn something from them. I wish I could be one of those people that can sit down with a “National Geographic” and read it cover to cover. And actually read it, not flip through it looking at the pictures and see if there was anything in it that I found fun or terrifying, something that spoke to me on some level.

I feel ashamed when I go into a magazine store and feel myself eyeing the people magazines and really wanting to buy one. So I force myself to go to the tech section and check out what’s coming out, because that’s the only other thing in the magazine store that really interests me. I don’t wanna be one of those chicks. Who cares when which kardashian is popping out another baby??? Who cares who else is getting a divorce, liposuction, boob job or going to rehab. I do. Dammit. I love reading about all the crazy things people with fame and money do. And I always think to myself, if I was that rich and famous I would be the most awesome rich and famous person an everyone would love me because I was so awesome and giving and kind. Aaah. Day dreams ahoy!

So anyway, what I really wanted to say was I wish I was still as eager to learn about good, non-selfish things as I was when I was younger. But I remember getting bored super quick with those learning mags.

No balls

In a world where everything is going from offline to online, where we don’t have personal conversations anymore but rather tweet everything that is on our mind we feel like we’re closer to each other than ever. I don’t think that this is the case. I feel like if anything this movement from offline personal fce to face conversations to online anonymous conversations has given us the feeling that we are allowed to say anything, anywhere and at any time.
Maybe i’m a bit of a hypocrite, since i too am hiding behind an alias spewing words (sometimes hateful) onto a blank webpage. (Oh my god, i just noticed that webpage has been recognized as an actual word by my spell checker, when did that happen? How old am i?!?) But still, i think that there was an advantage of face to face conversations, not that i’m not enjoying these online rants, i just think that having realtime (and that does not include skype or whatsapp) conversations are much more important.

I can give a personal example: i often whatsapp my boyfriend my problems and i always feel like, yes i may be getting all the words out correctly and everything seems to be making sense, but a lot of the actual message is lost in hyper space as he doesn’t know in what tone i’m saying them, i can’t touch his arm to comfort him and look him in the eye and tell him i don’t mean it in a bad way. All those text messages come across quite monotonously and bluntly as all the information is cast out in one big dump. It’s not really a real conversation as much as tiny monologues where you keep trying to up the other person.

The other thing that annoys me is that people love leaving these cryptic messages like “i wanna know how you feel about me..” Who?!? What?!? Why?!? This annoys the crap out of me. I may not be one for confrontation but seriously grow some balls and ask the person in question. It’s attention seeking little bitch behavior that should be punished by in this case a rude one liner.

The come up of social networks = loss of balls.

evil brain

Been going a little crazy lately, I know, what’s new? But I really think that this time it’s different. I really need to figure out where this crazy obsession that someone is hiding something from me needs to go. I need to figure out a way to get rid of these horrible feelings. I asked my boyfriend if he was hiding something and he said that I could go through everything of his and check his email and his computer… But there is something in the back of my head that won’t take away this feeling. Maybe it’s because of the emails I did find, disturbing pictures that he got from a way older woman. So disturbing. And the fact that he still has them. I guess I shouldn’t judge, it’s not like I didn’t do my share of bad bad things before him. I mean we all have a history, it’s just something that we come with, that we need to accept from each other. But for some reason there is still this nagging feeling. gross. mental images that will never go away!!! shivers everywhere!! Then there were other emails that I read (keep in mind, this was all before we got together) from him to random chicks. Then from him to his ex (one that caught me completely off guard seeing as it was post and pre break up) about how much he missed her blabla.. And it just struck a chord with me, about the things that he says to me now. And I know that during that relationship he was also in contact with this chick that he’s been into for years but that was never into him. So I really hope that if this chick now turns around and says that she loves him that he doesn’t just ditch me for her. I guess that’s the main issue here. I’m afraid of losing him… AH. Of course, makes sense.

I just would like every guy out there know, don’t mess with us girls, we have ways to find out if you are faithful or not. And we do not stop until we find our proof. We’re worse than the FBI and the CIA combined, we are straight up private I’s that should be paid millions because when we put our mind to something, WE WILL NOT STOP until we find something. And I found stuff, but nothing that is from our time together. So that’s a good thing. We’re good. And I need to remember that the next time I start freaking out.

Although I also know that guys, if they don’t want to be found out will do everything to not be caught.

So I guess I just have to trust and believe that he is not going to break my heart. Otherwise I know I will never be able to give it to him fully, not that I can physically do this, I know, but just in my mind I need to do this.

rambler out!

Sitting at home after a surgery and being told by the doctor that you must take it easy is different from those days when you choose to be lazy. Being told to be lazy, i feel, changes the feel of the laziness. It makes it less enjoyable. I want to be able to enjoy my laziness, really put some effort into it and really lazy it up! But finding new TV shows to watch it difficult when you’ve caught up on all your shows and there aren’t any new ones until tomorrow. So I have to go out on a limb and try something completely new, embark on a journey outside of my comfort zone. Not something I would normally want to do when I am lazying it up. But I must……

I saw a commercial on TV for a show that runs on Foxlife, it’s called “Touch”. And I just finished the first episode of the first season and needless to say, I’m downloading the full first season as I type. Yes, I am hooked to Touch. Thank you Kieffer Sutherland for quitting that boreland “24”. This is much much better. Let me just say, it ended in a soaked sweater sleeves.

So maybe being told to relax is ok. I guess you can be lazy when told to, if your will is strong enough and you have some shows to watch or a good book to read. PAHAHAHA.. yeah sure. read. me. pfffff. ok bye now.

lazy

 

life is hard

That’s what you can sum up from a number of posts of friends I have on facebook. Usually these are the people that have everything they need, they still find one (or sometimes everything) thing to complain about. Constantly whining about how hard their life is, how they wished they changed this and that. Eh. ok. Keep that shit to yourself I don’t need to drown in your misery. I try to keep all my public profiles (that people I know know about) positive and cheerful! I try to make sure that when people look at my profile, they leave feeling a little happier or the same as when the came. With funny pictures or anecdotes from my life as it is right now. Focusing so much on the negative will only bring you down more, or so I’ve learned. So I try (that being the key word here) to be a positive poster.

I guess I’d rather take out my negativity on an anonymous platform like this. If you don’t like what I’m saying that’s cool, you have the choice to click away and forget what you read. But I guess being anonymous also gives you a certain power to not care what others think of you. It’s just a way of venting my feelings to a platform of readers or nobody but it just feels better because I feel like I sent it out in the vast World Wide Web. And I feel like some of my troubles get swallowed up by it. Feels pretty good. And makes it less likely for me to freak out at people that I care about and in that way pushing those people away.

A little update on my little green monster, I am actively working on becoming a better person. One that does not use jealousy to mask her own insecurities. One that is trying to open up and give myself to the one that cares about me and that I in turn care about too. I’m doing this through cognitive therapy, things that I learned a year or so ago when I was seeing a therapist. I had lost a bunch of weight and didn’t know how I felt about myself. Very low self esteem (something that is obviously still there a bit today) and daddy issues. I got dismissed and my therapist said that I was a normal person. hahahaha.. Almost…. I just need a little more tweaking.

I think another way I’m gonna help myself is doing something that I love, dancing. Joining a dance class and becoming active in a way that I find fun! Being active will make me fitter and in turn make me happier about myself. Focusing on myself, that will be December. Life is easy, you are born and then you die. What happens in between is up to you. I would just rather be a positive human being.

Song:

Jealousy

Last friday, it was my sister’s birthday party and I had been feeling fine and was excited to bring my boyfriend along to the party. Finally, everyone would see that he’s not made up, he exists! HAHA.. We took the train after a long day of trying to fix an (to us) unfixable appliance at home. So we got there a little late, but that didn’t matter.. Everyone was chilling around the table, drinking and smoking and talking and laughing. There was music blasting through a little stereo on the table by the door and people were everywhere. I said Hi to everyone and congratulated my sister, giving her the presents that I had gotten her. My boyfriend said hi to everyone too and placed himself on the ‘boy’ end of the table. I knew that he was social enough for me to leave him there. He was drinking and talking and chilling, towards the middle of the night he started smoking weed. I have no problems with that, it’s something that he does normally, I’m actually glad because it means that he doesn’t drink a lot. I hate alcohol, especially when ingested by someone I’m dating, so I’m very happy he hardly ever drinks.

Towards the end of the night, everyone is still drinking and seating has been rearranged a couple of times. There had been some dancing and some popping of the champagne that I got my sister, popped by this girl and unfortunately it got all over me because I suck at opening champagne bottles or something. Classic.

I was dancing in the ‘living room’ part of the house and when I turn around my sister is sharing a chair with my boyfriend. I looked and my head was like ‘ok, when did that happen? What the fuck? Get the fuck off my boyfriends chair, bitch!’ Then I took a step towards them, I was FUMING. Couldn’t think straight, all that was going through my head was craziness. My stare was burning a whole through her head, I think she might have noticed because she eventually got up. The next day my boyfriend and I were sitting on the couch talking, I was still annoyed, I know he didn’t know and I know he doesn’t think he did anything wrong (which to his defense he didn’t, and neither did my sister, it’s my own insecurities that I need to deal with..) and he starts asking me about a friend of my sisters (a guy, my sister’s ex’s best friend, a guy) and how long they have been friends. So I told him, about 5 years, and he’s always had a thing for my sister. My boyfriends looks at me and says the words I had dreaded “you think that’s crazy, he’s a guy..” So I look at him and go “what do you mean with that?” And he says, “well your sister’s a cute girl and he’s a guy and after being friends for that long…. Guys can’t be friends with girls.”

“Your sister’s a cute girl”……”Your sister’s a cute girl”… It kept echoing through my head over and over again.

How could I think that? I have no reason. He loves me, he tells me how happy he is with me. My sister is cute, and she’s my best friend. She would never do anything to hurt me like that. Neither would my boyfriend. None of the things in my head are true. And there’s nothing to suspect otherwise. I need to get over all of this madness. The only person it’s hurting is me, and if it keeps going it will eventually end up in me losing my boyfriend or even worse the amazing friendship that I have with my sister.

Ok, there, it’s out of me… I shall get on with my life as a normal person now.

Besides, a very wise friend once told me that if you’re always scared of getting hurt you’ll never be able to give yourself completely to anyone. And I’ve experienced enough heart break and survived so I shouldn’t be so scared of it. Enough. Jealousy is horrible and it’s a disgusting trait to have. I will get over this. It’s time to trust and give myself completely, no matter the consequences.

Sign off song:

Tonight

Tonight is the night. The night that my father meets the new man in my life. The one that I think is gonna stick around, the one that might just be the one. I think I’m a little nervous. Why? Because my face broke out and I have a swollen lymph node under my jaw. My mandibular lymph node to be precise. It’s swollen up to the size of a walnut. When I’m nervous, I don’t feel the nervousness but for some reason my body likes to remind me that I am nervous. So I either get the runs or I get sick in some sort of way. The lymph node doesn’t really bother me though, it’s this super intense and HUGE zit on my chin that does. It doesn’t help that I’ve been picking and squeezing at it non-stop since it erupted so that now it looks more I scraped my chin with rough sand paper for like 10 hours… It’s horrible, and no amount of make up seems to cover it.

I have no clue how it’s going to go tonight and I have refrained from trying to figure out how it’s gonna go. I am not getting my hopes up but I also don’t have a bleak outlook on things. Mostly because I really don’t feel like freaking out. I’m just gonna role with the punches and hope I don’t get hit. I am so cliche. Anyways.. what else is happening in my life…

I talked to a friend yesterday about my trust issues and she seems to have a different perspective than I do. She seems to think that it’s my relationship before this one that messed up my sense of men. Basically what happened was I had been seeing this guy for like 2 months or so, but in those 2 months I fell so head of heels completely for this guy that I was blinded to what was actually happening. This guy promised me the stars and the moon and everything in between. He said that he would be there for me and was planning a future with me. He said that he didn’t have time to play games because (and here’s where I missed the point) he had just gotten out of a 9 (!!!) year (!!!) relationship. I should have seen the warning signs. I was substitute for his ex but I wasn’t his ex. And as soon as he figured that out he informed me that (and I’m using his precise words) he could “never fall in love” with me. Ouch. Harsh. I had clearly already fallen. And having my heart ripped out and stomped on like that was a new thing. What followed were two days of boohoo, locked up in my room, not eating at all, just leaving my room for the occasional whizz on the toilet. So sad. It was bad because I had never had anyone do that to me before and I felt like I was completely unlovable. On the following monday I decided to pick my self up and throw myself into the dating scene, head first. I went on three consecutive dates that week and made myself feel better with all of the boys that wanted a piece of me. The attention did me good and on the second date I met the one that I am with now. He treated me like a queen and I told my mother about him straight away. I didn’t think it was possible to find someone like him anymore, someone who holds open doors, pays for crap and compliments you every second he gets. Trust me, I was suspicious too. I can honestly say, for the first couple of months at least, I didn’t believe a word that was coming out of his mouth. I thought that everything he was telling me was a lie and that he was just about to leave me.

I think it’s different now, I still don’t believe everything, but I’m getting there. Opening up. Letting him in. I hope I get there before I screw this up though. I love him, I really do.

 

UPDATE: It didn’t happen, my dad’s plane got cancelled. 😦