Eager to learn

Watching people reading glossy magazines got me thinking.

I’m not the kind of girl who buys those magazines, unless it’s for a short flight and I know there aren’t any movies available, but when I do I read them like my life depends on it. Like everything that is in them is pure gold and I need to eat the words off the page and absorb them into my skin and keep them there. I now have a tab book marked on my computer for nerve, an online magazine that is not really comparable to any offline magazine. It’s a cynical type magazine about everything you could think of, from romances to fashion and some gossip and other things. It’s really interesting, but just like the glossy magazines it’s about relatable things, things that you can track back to your own life and feel connected. I feel like we only read things that we can relate to and that makes complete sense. I mean why would I want to read something when there is non of me in it. It may sound selfish but I guess that’s the way we are being brought up at the moment. What is best for me, how can I get farther in life, me me me….

I sometimes wish I was as interested in those magazines I used to get as a kid with all the different plants and animals in it. They were magazines I would eat up like the ones today, but only I would learn something from them. I wish I could be one of those people that can sit down with a “National Geographic” and read it cover to cover. And actually read it, not flip through it looking at the pictures and see if there was anything in it that I found fun or terrifying, something that spoke to me on some level.

I feel ashamed when I go into a magazine store and feel myself eyeing the people magazines and really wanting to buy one. So I force myself to go to the tech section and check out what’s coming out, because that’s the only other thing in the magazine store that really interests me. I don’t wanna be one of those chicks. Who cares when which kardashian is popping out another baby??? Who cares who else is getting a divorce, liposuction, boob job or going to rehab. I do. Dammit. I love reading about all the crazy things people with fame and money do. And I always think to myself, if I was that rich and famous I would be the most awesome rich and famous person an everyone would love me because I was so awesome and giving and kind. Aaah. Day dreams ahoy!

So anyway, what I really wanted to say was I wish I was still as eager to learn about good, non-selfish things as I was when I was younger. But I remember getting bored super quick with those learning mags.

Being

So sick and tired of all the people getting fucking pregnant all around me. Like it’s no big deal, oh I just feel like bringing a little more life into the world. Seriously people, does nobody realize the repercussions of birthing children? I mean sure, they’re fun, for the first couple of years and then it’s just a constant whining and yammering about all the crap they want. After that they start to hate you and that goes on for about 10 years and if you have more children you could be hated for a long time. Who wants to be hated??? NOBODY! That shit sucks. It’s like sure, I brought you into this world, I made you survive, I fed, clothed and washed your ass and what do I get for it? HATE? No thank you. Then they start talking and asking why all the time and you have to give them reasons like you’re fucking GOD. Oh and the walking part happens and all you do is worry about them getting their pretty little faces hurt. And then the personalities start coming out and you can tell if your kid is gonna be an asshole or not and you wonder if it’s your fault or is it society but it’s probably the teachers, those fuckers fucked up your child. And you gotta look out for pedo’s and creepsters and hope your kid is smart enough to not join a gang or be a street thug or deal drugs or have a baby before they can handle it. Not that it ever gets any easier.

Screw you, you little bastard. You took away my life. I have no life because of you, you have my life. You STOLE MY LIFE. I give you everything. You are probably gonna ruin mommy and daddy’s perfect relationship because we can’t have sex anymore because you suck all of our energy dry. And daddy has to work over time coz he has to make more money for your little ass and he resents having to do this so he starts to hate your mommy and starts seeing other women, or maybe even whores because there are no feelings involved.

WOW. So glad I don’t have to deal with any of this shit yet, or maybe ever. Thinking very hard about whether or not to birth evil little creatures any time soon.

bebe

why you cry?

I seem to have a knack for crying at everything and anything in sight. If there’s an older couple dancing together on a dance floor and he’s holder her just right my imagination goes wild and I see their entire life flash before my eyes. The children they had, the hardships they faced, sickness, the hurts, everything. My eyes start welling up and I’m done. Man, I could cry now. Dammit! Just the idea that this old old couple are still together after all those years and still seem like they’re in love is wonderful to me. In my head I know that I’m making up all these things and maybe this blissful moment is just that, a moment in time and they fight all the time bla bla bla. Cynical statement about love.

I am one of those cynical, or as I like to refer to myself, realistic people. In my own life, there is no time for fairy tales, no time for wishing on stars or dreaming about what could be. In my world, the only way to get from A to B is by yourself. You get yourself there, it is you and only you. Not in a narcissistic way, not like I’m pushing people out of the way to get where I’m going but I believe that in the end, the only person that will be there for me is me. Call me negative but I do believe that. I think what it is is a form of self preservation, making sure not to let anyone too close to ever hurt me.

But when I witness something that does not fit in the way I see the world. Something that other people believe in, something like what I described above, for a split second my world shatters and I become a hopeless romantic and day dream believer and all my defenses are down and the dams to heart open up and gush out of my eyes.

In a way I hope I change, I kinda like the feeling of believing this kind of thing is possible. You could say I’m battling my inner cynic. At the moment it’s 50/50.

Too old.

I hate that I have come to that age where I am suddenly too old to do certain things. I’m not saying that I’m old or complaining about my age or anything, but I’m just starting to notice that there are things that a 28 year old can’t do anymore that a let’s say 25 year old can still get away with. For instance, going out, I remember when I was 25 and going out was just one of those things that I could do easily. I would go out till 5-6 in the morning. And get up the next day without even batting an eyelash. I would be tired of course, have a spinning head, yes. But I could do it. Now, I like to go out on fridays, so that I have a two day recovery period. OR I just really don’t feel like it anymore. Maybe it’s a phase, because of just getting into a relationship and being in that, I’d rather just chill with my boy on the couch and watch movies and make out and have lots of sex. But I don’t know. It feels like this is the end of really going out.

Other things I feel like I can’t do anymore now, be irresponsible and act stupid. In public. Ah, I miss those care free days when I could throw a tantrum in the middle of the super market because mommy would buy the one thing in the whole super market that I wanted. I think that throwing a tantrum is probably the most relieving thing to do. So now I do it in private, for fun. I will stomp my feet and yell and cry and call for mommy. Try it. It really is fun. And it feels great! Even if there is nothing wrong but you just feel like you need to be emotional about whatever. No one can see you, no one will know. If you trust someone enough let them be present for your tantrum and maybe even join in. I do it with my sister, boyfriend and best friend. They join in sometimes and then we laugh till we can’t breathe anymore. Such a release. I think it’s kinda like punching a wall for a boy.

The thing I hate most about my age is the inhibitions that comes with growing up. When I see a kid on the streets and he/she is just singing and dancing and running around their parents like “you can’t catch me la la la la” I can’t help but think, when does that end??? When was it deemed socially UNacceptable to sing or dance in public?? I always walk around with my music on and in my ears, and I am ALWAYS listening to something catchy or dancy and I ALWAYS catch myself bopping along with my head or my feet and sometimes when I’m waiting for a bus or tram with my knees and therefore my whole body bopping. Those are the days where I wish everyone would just dance freely, so I could enjoy my little silent disco. Or to just run after a friend and play tag or hide and seek, talk about a great work out! I remember trying to find the best place to hide, trying not to breathe, feeling the adrenaline coursing through my body at every little sound, ready to jump out of the closet and run my ass off. Loved it. Oh well, I guess I’ll just have to wait to have my own little munchkins to run around with again, let my inner child do the things she wants to do.

Song on the radio: