It’s been a great couple of days, really. A kind of weekend that puts things back into perspective and regenerated my brain to go after what I want. It’s not that I did a lot or talked all too much but I cleared my head, walking around the city I love. Re-seeing the things I love about it and reliving the emotions that I felt once upon a time.
I did have to put up with my sister’s quick temper which always catches me off guard. I never know what I did or said wrong, maybe it’s how I word things or the tone in which I say them. I feel that change is something that can’t be forced onto others so I try to look at my actions and see if maybe I can change something that I’m doing.
Missed the boyfriend this weekend though. It’s a strange feeling, this missing feeling. It’s literally like something is missing. My sister and I were walking through a chinese light show that was on in town and I would unconsciously look beside me and think that my boyfriend was standing there. Like he was supposed to be there, watching the lights with me, feeling warm in the blistering cold. Nope. No one there, move on to the next light. Not that I need him there constantly, but there are just times and places where I feel like he should be there. Like I want to share the things that I’m seeing and feeling with him. I was never one of these girls that always wanted a certain person around them. On the contrary, I liked my space and being alone suited me just fine, it still does sometimes which is a little hard considering I have a roommate at the moment. Not that I mind her, she’s awesome and we’re friends so that makes the situation even easier. But when I’m with my boyfriend I don’t ever have that “I want to be alone feeling”. Weird. Good weird.
He worked all weekend so on sunday night, after his shift he came around to my place and we smoked and talked in the kitchen and then went to bed around 4am after a much needed intimate session of love making. hahaahha.. then we woke up around 3pm and did our thing till he had to leave for work again at 9:30 pm. Saying goodbye was kinda tough, I knew that I wouldn’t see him again until at least friday, I’m thinking of making it thursday now… hmm.
Anyway, good weekend. YAY!
It is absolutely, ridiculously disgusting how happy I am at the moment. So happy that I was sitting in the train staring out at the dark night (or was it a tunnel…?) smiling at my past couple of hours. The whole evening was one of complete and utter bliss.
Woke up this morning, it was cold and rainy, I just wanted to stay under the covers, snoozed my alarm a couple of times. Had a very quick (3 min) shower and jumped into whatever clothes I could find that were not smelly. Ate breakfast in 4 minutes and left the house. Was way too early into work, smiling and saying good morning to anyone who crossed my path, holding open doors and saying have a great friday. My day was uneventful but I found a great new website that you can listen to informative radio. I was at a dinner last night and some friends told me about it, radio lab, if anyone is interested. So great, love it! Made my day pass super quick. Then I was supposed to have a driving lesson (Yes I’m 28 and don’t have a driving license, I’m a city girl, cars are a nuisance.) but that got cancelled due to problems with the instructor’s car. Didn’t bother me at all. All that meant was that I could see my baby a few hours earlier than expected. So I hopped on a bus and told the bus driver to “Step on it, I gotta get to ma man”.
Getting off the bus, texting my cousin and walking towards his place, the crisp smell of autumn in the air and the leaves shuffling at my feet. Tripped a couple of times because I wasn’t looking where I was going. I tripped the last time when I was crossing the street to his place and I looked up to see that no one saw and of course, there he was, standing at the window. Per chance, the only time that he has ever been at the window as I approached his place. Waving happily and smiling. I waved back a bit embarrassed about what he had just witnessed his girlfriend do but trying to cover it up with a big goofy smile. I rushed up… or rather, tripped up the stairs (yes ladies and gentlemen, this is a girl who has mastered the art of tripping UP the stairs…) and waiting for me at the top was a head slightly hidden behind the door with a mischievous smirk.
I don’t wanna go on and on about the day, just know this, it was perfect. So now I lie in bed (alone, coz he had to work, but it’s cool, it was a perfect day.) and I get to feel all these feelings over and over again. As long as I want, or until the next great day. It’s strange, how little you really need to be so happy. Hopefully I’ll remember this feeling.
That’s what you can sum up from a number of posts of friends I have on facebook. Usually these are the people that have everything they need, they still find one (or sometimes everything) thing to complain about. Constantly whining about how hard their life is, how they wished they changed this and that. Eh. ok. Keep that shit to yourself I don’t need to drown in your misery. I try to keep all my public profiles (that people I know know about) positive and cheerful! I try to make sure that when people look at my profile, they leave feeling a little happier or the same as when the came. With funny pictures or anecdotes from my life as it is right now. Focusing so much on the negative will only bring you down more, or so I’ve learned. So I try (that being the key word here) to be a positive poster.
I guess I’d rather take out my negativity on an anonymous platform like this. If you don’t like what I’m saying that’s cool, you have the choice to click away and forget what you read. But I guess being anonymous also gives you a certain power to not care what others think of you. It’s just a way of venting my feelings to a platform of readers or nobody but it just feels better because I feel like I sent it out in the vast World Wide Web. And I feel like some of my troubles get swallowed up by it. Feels pretty good. And makes it less likely for me to freak out at people that I care about and in that way pushing those people away.
A little update on my little green monster, I am actively working on becoming a better person. One that does not use jealousy to mask her own insecurities. One that is trying to open up and give myself to the one that cares about me and that I in turn care about too. I’m doing this through cognitive therapy, things that I learned a year or so ago when I was seeing a therapist. I had lost a bunch of weight and didn’t know how I felt about myself. Very low self esteem (something that is obviously still there a bit today) and daddy issues. I got dismissed and my therapist said that I was a normal person. hahahaha.. Almost…. I just need a little more tweaking.
I think another way I’m gonna help myself is doing something that I love, dancing. Joining a dance class and becoming active in a way that I find fun! Being active will make me fitter and in turn make me happier about myself. Focusing on myself, that will be December. Life is easy, you are born and then you die. What happens in between is up to you. I would just rather be a positive human being.
I seem to have a knack for crying at everything and anything in sight. If there’s an older couple dancing together on a dance floor and he’s holder her just right my imagination goes wild and I see their entire life flash before my eyes. The children they had, the hardships they faced, sickness, the hurts, everything. My eyes start welling up and I’m done. Man, I could cry now. Dammit! Just the idea that this old old couple are still together after all those years and still seem like they’re in love is wonderful to me. In my head I know that I’m making up all these things and maybe this blissful moment is just that, a moment in time and they fight all the time bla bla bla. Cynical statement about love.
I am one of those cynical, or as I like to refer to myself, realistic people. In my own life, there is no time for fairy tales, no time for wishing on stars or dreaming about what could be. In my world, the only way to get from A to B is by yourself. You get yourself there, it is you and only you. Not in a narcissistic way, not like I’m pushing people out of the way to get where I’m going but I believe that in the end, the only person that will be there for me is me. Call me negative but I do believe that. I think what it is is a form of self preservation, making sure not to let anyone too close to ever hurt me.
But when I witness something that does not fit in the way I see the world. Something that other people believe in, something like what I described above, for a split second my world shatters and I become a hopeless romantic and day dream believer and all my defenses are down and the dams to heart open up and gush out of my eyes.
In a way I hope I change, I kinda like the feeling of believing this kind of thing is possible. You could say I’m battling my inner cynic. At the moment it’s 50/50.
It’s amazing how music can change your mood. I don’t know how it is for other people but personally, when I’m listening to music it automatically changes how I feel. It changes how I see the world and what I see in the world.
Of course it depends on what kind of music I’m listening to and my mood can go either way. For instance when I listen to:
It makes me feel bad ass. I walk around with a little more presence and a “don’t fuck with me” look on my face. It’s funny because if my sister sees me walking towards her, she immediately knows what kind of music I’m listening to at that very moment. She’ll laugh and go “Are you listening to rap??” haha. yup. I’m gangsta.
Or let’s say I’m listening to something like:
And I’m sitting in the train or bus, everything seems kind of floaty and high.. I don’t know exactly how to describe it, it’s not a depressing feeling, it’s really nice. Different. The colours seem to be more vibrant too. My face of course acts accordingly and I get a lot of strange looks from people who think I’m on something.
Then again if I listen to:
I feel like jumping and dancing and bopping along. Sometimes I will, even in public and I’ll have a huge smile on my face.
Funny how music can do that…