evil brain

Been going a little crazy lately, I know, what’s new? But I really think that this time it’s different. I really need to figure out where this crazy obsession that someone is hiding something from me needs to go. I need to figure out a way to get rid of these horrible feelings. I asked my boyfriend if he was hiding something and he said that I could go through everything of his and check his email and his computer… But there is something in the back of my head that won’t take away this feeling. Maybe it’s because of the emails I did find, disturbing pictures that he got from a way older woman. So disturbing. And the fact that he still has them. I guess I shouldn’t judge, it’s not like I didn’t do my share of bad bad things before him. I mean we all have a history, it’s just something that we come with, that we need to accept from each other. But for some reason there is still this nagging feeling. gross. mental images that will never go away!!! shivers everywhere!! Then there were other emails that I read (keep in mind, this was all before we got together) from him to random chicks. Then from him to his ex (one that caught me completely off guard seeing as it was post and pre break up) about how much he missed her blabla.. And it just struck a chord with me, about the things that he says to me now. And I know that during that relationship he was also in contact with this chick that he’s been into for years but that was never into him. So I really hope that if this chick now turns around and says that she loves him that he doesn’t just ditch me for her. I guess that’s the main issue here. I’m afraid of losing him… AH. Of course, makes sense.

I just would like every guy out there know, don’t mess with us girls, we have ways to find out if you are faithful or not. And we do not stop until we find our proof. We’re worse than the FBI and the CIA combined, we are straight up private I’s that should be paid millions because when we put our mind to something, WE WILL NOT STOP until we find something. And I found stuff, but nothing that is from our time together. So that’s a good thing. We’re good. And I need to remember that the next time I start freaking out.

Although I also know that guys, if they don’t want to be found out will do everything to not be caught.

So I guess I just have to trust and believe that he is not going to break my heart. Otherwise I know I will never be able to give it to him fully, not that I can physically do this, I know, but just in my mind I need to do this.

rambler out!

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Jealousy

Last friday, it was my sister’s birthday party and I had been feeling fine and was excited to bring my boyfriend along to the party. Finally, everyone would see that he’s not made up, he exists! HAHA.. We took the train after a long day of trying to fix an (to us) unfixable appliance at home. So we got there a little late, but that didn’t matter.. Everyone was chilling around the table, drinking and smoking and talking and laughing. There was music blasting through a little stereo on the table by the door and people were everywhere. I said Hi to everyone and congratulated my sister, giving her the presents that I had gotten her. My boyfriend said hi to everyone too and placed himself on the ‘boy’ end of the table. I knew that he was social enough for me to leave him there. He was drinking and talking and chilling, towards the middle of the night he started smoking weed. I have no problems with that, it’s something that he does normally, I’m actually glad because it means that he doesn’t drink a lot. I hate alcohol, especially when ingested by someone I’m dating, so I’m very happy he hardly ever drinks.

Towards the end of the night, everyone is still drinking and seating has been rearranged a couple of times. There had been some dancing and some popping of the champagne that I got my sister, popped by this girl and unfortunately it got all over me because I suck at opening champagne bottles or something. Classic.

I was dancing in the ‘living room’ part of the house and when I turn around my sister is sharing a chair with my boyfriend. I looked and my head was like ‘ok, when did that happen? What the fuck? Get the fuck off my boyfriends chair, bitch!’ Then I took a step towards them, I was FUMING. Couldn’t think straight, all that was going through my head was craziness. My stare was burning a whole through her head, I think she might have noticed because she eventually got up. The next day my boyfriend and I were sitting on the couch talking, I was still annoyed, I know he didn’t know and I know he doesn’t think he did anything wrong (which to his defense he didn’t, and neither did my sister, it’s my own insecurities that I need to deal with..) and he starts asking me about a friend of my sisters (a guy, my sister’s ex’s best friend, a guy) and how long they have been friends. So I told him, about 5 years, and he’s always had a thing for my sister. My boyfriends looks at me and says the words I had dreaded “you think that’s crazy, he’s a guy..” So I look at him and go “what do you mean with that?” And he says, “well your sister’s a cute girl and he’s a guy and after being friends for that long…. Guys can’t be friends with girls.”

“Your sister’s a cute girl”……”Your sister’s a cute girl”… It kept echoing through my head over and over again.

How could I think that? I have no reason. He loves me, he tells me how happy he is with me. My sister is cute, and she’s my best friend. She would never do anything to hurt me like that. Neither would my boyfriend. None of the things in my head are true. And there’s nothing to suspect otherwise. I need to get over all of this madness. The only person it’s hurting is me, and if it keeps going it will eventually end up in me losing my boyfriend or even worse the amazing friendship that I have with my sister.

Ok, there, it’s out of me… I shall get on with my life as a normal person now.

Besides, a very wise friend once told me that if you’re always scared of getting hurt you’ll never be able to give yourself completely to anyone. And I’ve experienced enough heart break and survived so I shouldn’t be so scared of it. Enough. Jealousy is horrible and it’s a disgusting trait to have. I will get over this. It’s time to trust and give myself completely, no matter the consequences.

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