Eager to learn

Watching people reading glossy magazines got me thinking.

I’m not the kind of girl who buys those magazines, unless it’s for a short flight and I know there aren’t any movies available, but when I do I read them like my life depends on it. Like everything that is in them is pure gold and I need to eat the words off the page and absorb them into my skin and keep them there. I now have a tab book marked on my computer for nerve, an online magazine that is not really comparable to any offline magazine. It’s a cynical type magazine about everything you could think of, from romances to fashion and some gossip and other things. It’s really interesting, but just like the glossy magazines it’s about relatable things, things that you can track back to your own life and feel connected. I feel like we only read things that we can relate to and that makes complete sense. I mean why would I want to read something when there is non of me in it. It may sound selfish but I guess that’s the way we are being brought up at the moment. What is best for me, how can I get farther in life, me me me….

I sometimes wish I was as interested in those magazines I used to get as a kid with all the different plants and animals in it. They were magazines I would eat up like the ones today, but only I would learn something from them. I wish I could be one of those people that can sit down with a “National Geographic” and read it cover to cover. And actually read it, not flip through it looking at the pictures and see if there was anything in it that I found fun or terrifying, something that spoke to me on some level.

I feel ashamed when I go into a magazine store and feel myself eyeing the people magazines and really wanting to buy one. So I force myself to go to the tech section and check out what’s coming out, because that’s the only other thing in the magazine store that really interests me. I don’t wanna be one of those chicks. Who cares when which kardashian is popping out another baby??? Who cares who else is getting a divorce, liposuction, boob job or going to rehab. I do. Dammit. I love reading about all the crazy things people with fame and money do. And I always think to myself, if I was that rich and famous I would be the most awesome rich and famous person an everyone would love me because I was so awesome and giving and kind. Aaah. Day dreams ahoy!

So anyway, what I really wanted to say was I wish I was still as eager to learn about good, non-selfish things as I was when I was younger. But I remember getting bored super quick with those learning mags.

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No balls

In a world where everything is going from offline to online, where we don’t have personal conversations anymore but rather tweet everything that is on our mind we feel like we’re closer to each other than ever. I don’t think that this is the case. I feel like if anything this movement from offline personal fce to face conversations to online anonymous conversations has given us the feeling that we are allowed to say anything, anywhere and at any time.
Maybe i’m a bit of a hypocrite, since i too am hiding behind an alias spewing words (sometimes hateful) onto a blank webpage. (Oh my god, i just noticed that webpage has been recognized as an actual word by my spell checker, when did that happen? How old am i?!?) But still, i think that there was an advantage of face to face conversations, not that i’m not enjoying these online rants, i just think that having realtime (and that does not include skype or whatsapp) conversations are much more important.

I can give a personal example: i often whatsapp my boyfriend my problems and i always feel like, yes i may be getting all the words out correctly and everything seems to be making sense, but a lot of the actual message is lost in hyper space as he doesn’t know in what tone i’m saying them, i can’t touch his arm to comfort him and look him in the eye and tell him i don’t mean it in a bad way. All those text messages come across quite monotonously and bluntly as all the information is cast out in one big dump. It’s not really a real conversation as much as tiny monologues where you keep trying to up the other person.

The other thing that annoys me is that people love leaving these cryptic messages like “i wanna know how you feel about me..” Who?!? What?!? Why?!? This annoys the crap out of me. I may not be one for confrontation but seriously grow some balls and ask the person in question. It’s attention seeking little bitch behavior that should be punished by in this case a rude one liner.

The come up of social networks = loss of balls.

Being

So sick and tired of all the people getting fucking pregnant all around me. Like it’s no big deal, oh I just feel like bringing a little more life into the world. Seriously people, does nobody realize the repercussions of birthing children? I mean sure, they’re fun, for the first couple of years and then it’s just a constant whining and yammering about all the crap they want. After that they start to hate you and that goes on for about 10 years and if you have more children you could be hated for a long time. Who wants to be hated??? NOBODY! That shit sucks. It’s like sure, I brought you into this world, I made you survive, I fed, clothed and washed your ass and what do I get for it? HATE? No thank you. Then they start talking and asking why all the time and you have to give them reasons like you’re fucking GOD. Oh and the walking part happens and all you do is worry about them getting their pretty little faces hurt. And then the personalities start coming out and you can tell if your kid is gonna be an asshole or not and you wonder if it’s your fault or is it society but it’s probably the teachers, those fuckers fucked up your child. And you gotta look out for pedo’s and creepsters and hope your kid is smart enough to not join a gang or be a street thug or deal drugs or have a baby before they can handle it. Not that it ever gets any easier.

Screw you, you little bastard. You took away my life. I have no life because of you, you have my life. You STOLE MY LIFE. I give you everything. You are probably gonna ruin mommy and daddy’s perfect relationship because we can’t have sex anymore because you suck all of our energy dry. And daddy has to work over time coz he has to make more money for your little ass and he resents having to do this so he starts to hate your mommy and starts seeing other women, or maybe even whores because there are no feelings involved.

WOW. So glad I don’t have to deal with any of this shit yet, or maybe ever. Thinking very hard about whether or not to birth evil little creatures any time soon.

bebe

Sitting at home after a surgery and being told by the doctor that you must take it easy is different from those days when you choose to be lazy. Being told to be lazy, i feel, changes the feel of the laziness. It makes it less enjoyable. I want to be able to enjoy my laziness, really put some effort into it and really lazy it up! But finding new TV shows to watch it difficult when you’ve caught up on all your shows and there aren’t any new ones until tomorrow. So I have to go out on a limb and try something completely new, embark on a journey outside of my comfort zone. Not something I would normally want to do when I am lazying it up. But I must……

I saw a commercial on TV for a show that runs on Foxlife, it’s called “Touch”. And I just finished the first episode of the first season and needless to say, I’m downloading the full first season as I type. Yes, I am hooked to Touch. Thank you Kieffer Sutherland for quitting that boreland “24”. This is much much better. Let me just say, it ended in a soaked sweater sleeves.

So maybe being told to relax is ok. I guess you can be lazy when told to, if your will is strong enough and you have some shows to watch or a good book to read. PAHAHAHA.. yeah sure. read. me. pfffff. ok bye now.

lazy

 

compromise

compromise

I was talking about compromise to my boyfriend the other day and I didn’t feel like I was getting through to him. So yesterday in a wild over the phone texting argument, I explained it to him in boy language. I said: It’s like this, if I would stop doing all the things I might not like with you, we would not spend time together anymore. And then he was all I’m so sorry and I promise I’ll be better, you deserve so much more than what I’m giving you and I know that, please believe me. Of course I want to believe him and I am trying my best but until I see some actions in his court, it’s gonna be hard to convince me with a bunch of sappy bullshit he may or may not have heard in some bob marley song. But yeah, still trying to give him the benefit of the doubt.

Now I don’t want people to get the wrong idea of him, he is most probably the most attentive, sweetest guys I have ever met. And he has a way that makes me feel like I’m the most beautiful girl in the world. On a side note; looking at his exes and flings, that is the case, and he is one lucky motherfucker to be dating me. He loves his family, is hard working and responsible (most of the time). So I am very lucky to be dating him too. The difference is that instead of always telling him, I show him. I do little things around his house to surprise him, like the dishes, so he doesn’t have to do them when he comes home after a long day at work. And I always spoil him with yummy dishes and make sure that he is always satisfied in bed. I do things for him.

I just feel like it should come from both sides, and I don’t think that swallowing it (no pun intended) and waiting for him to notice all the little things I do whilst idly sitting by and thanking me for all the things is worth it. And bringing these things up early in a relationship is probably for the best too. So he has time to change, or I have time to move on. I know it’s a harsh thing to say, and I really hope that it doesn’t come to that because our babies would be adorable, but it’s just how I feel. But please please please don’t let the latter have to happen. please. I loves him.

together

together

It’s been a great couple of days, really. A kind of weekend that puts things back into perspective and regenerated my brain to go after what I want. It’s not that I did a lot or talked all too much but I cleared my head, walking around the city I love. Re-seeing the things I love about it and reliving the emotions that I felt once upon a time.

I did have to put up with my sister’s quick temper which always catches me off guard. I never know what I did or said wrong, maybe it’s how I word things or the tone in which I say them. I feel that change is something that can’t be forced onto others so I try to look at my actions and see if maybe I can change something that I’m doing.

Missed the boyfriend this weekend though. It’s a strange feeling, this missing feeling. It’s literally like something is missing. My sister and I were walking through a chinese light show that was on in town and I would unconsciously look beside me and think that my boyfriend was standing there. Like he was supposed to be there, watching the lights with me, feeling warm in the blistering cold. Nope. No one there, move on to the next light. Not that I need him there constantly, but there are just times and places where I feel like he should be there. Like I want to share the things that I’m seeing and feeling with him. I was never one of these girls that always wanted a certain person around them. On the contrary, I liked my space and being alone suited me just fine, it still does sometimes which is a little hard considering I have a roommate at the moment. Not that I mind her, she’s awesome and we’re friends so that makes the situation even easier. But when I’m with my boyfriend I don’t ever have that “I want to be alone feeling”. Weird. Good weird.

He worked all weekend so on sunday night, after his shift he came around to my place and we smoked and talked in the kitchen and then went to bed around 4am after a much needed intimate session of love making. hahaahha.. then we woke up around 3pm and did our thing till he had to leave for work again at 9:30 pm. Saying goodbye was kinda tough, I knew that I wouldn’t see him again until at least friday, I’m thinking of making it thursday now… hmm.

Anyway, good weekend. YAY!

 

disgusting

It is absolutely, ridiculously disgusting how happy I am at the moment. So happy that I was sitting in the train staring out at the dark night (or was it a tunnel…?) smiling at my past couple of hours. The whole evening was one of complete and utter bliss.

Woke up this morning, it was cold and rainy, I just wanted to stay under the covers, snoozed my alarm a couple of times. Had a very quick (3 min) shower and jumped into whatever clothes I could find that were not smelly. Ate breakfast in 4 minutes and left the house. Was way too early into work, smiling and saying good morning to anyone who crossed my path, holding open doors and saying have a great friday. My day was uneventful but I found a great new website that you can listen to informative radio. I was at a dinner last night and some friends told me about it, radio lab, if anyone is interested. So great, love it! Made my day pass super quick. Then I was supposed to have a driving lesson (Yes I’m 28 and don’t have a driving license, I’m a city girl, cars are a nuisance.) but that got cancelled due to problems with the instructor’s car. Didn’t bother me at all. All that meant was that I could see my baby a few hours earlier than expected. So I hopped on a bus and told the bus driver to “Step on it, I gotta get to ma man”.

Getting off the bus, texting my cousin and walking towards his place, the crisp smell of autumn in the air and the leaves shuffling at my feet. Tripped a couple of times because I wasn’t looking where I was going. I tripped the last time when I was crossing the street to his place and I looked up to see that no one saw and of course, there he was, standing at the window. Per chance, the only time that he has ever been at the window as I approached his place. Waving happily and smiling. I waved back a bit embarrassed about what he had just witnessed his girlfriend do but trying to cover it up with a big goofy smile. I rushed up… or rather, tripped up the stairs (yes ladies and gentlemen, this is a girl who has mastered the art of tripping UP the stairs…) and waiting for me at the top was a head slightly hidden behind the door with a mischievous smirk.

I don’t wanna go on and on about the day, just know this, it was perfect. So now I lie in bed (alone, coz he had to work, but it’s cool, it was a perfect day.) and I get to feel all these feelings over and over again. As long as I want, or until the next great day. It’s strange, how little you really need to be so happy. Hopefully I’ll remember this feeling.

SONG!