life is hard

That’s what you can sum up from a number of posts of friends I have on facebook. Usually these are the people that have everything they need, they still find one (or sometimes everything) thing to complain about. Constantly whining about how hard their life is, how they wished they changed this and that. Eh. ok. Keep that shit to yourself I don’t need to drown in your misery. I try to keep all my public profiles (that people I know know about) positive and cheerful! I try to make sure that when people look at my profile, they leave feeling a little happier or the same as when the came. With funny pictures or anecdotes from my life as it is right now. Focusing so much on the negative will only bring you down more, or so I’ve learned. So I try (that being the key word here) to be a positive poster.

I guess I’d rather take out my negativity on an anonymous platform like this. If you don’t like what I’m saying that’s cool, you have the choice to click away and forget what you read. But I guess being anonymous also gives you a certain power to not care what others think of you. It’s just a way of venting my feelings to a platform of readers or nobody but it just feels better because I feel like I sent it out in the vast World Wide Web. And I feel like some of my troubles get swallowed up by it. Feels pretty good. And makes it less likely for me to freak out at people that I care about and in that way pushing those people away.

A little update on my little green monster, I am actively working on becoming a better person. One that does not use jealousy to mask her own insecurities. One that is trying to open up and give myself to the one that cares about me and that I in turn care about too. I’m doing this through cognitive therapy, things that I learned a year or so ago when I was seeing a therapist. I had lost a bunch of weight and didn’t know how I felt about myself. Very low self esteem (something that is obviously still there a bit today) and daddy issues. I got dismissed and my therapist said that I was a normal person. hahahaha.. Almost…. I just need a little more tweaking.

I think another way I’m gonna help myself is doing something that I love, dancing. Joining a dance class and becoming active in a way that I find fun! Being active will make me fitter and in turn make me happier about myself. Focusing on myself, that will be December. Life is easy, you are born and then you die. What happens in between is up to you. I would just rather be a positive human being.

Song:

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It’s amazing how music can change your mood. I don’t know how it is for other people but personally, when I’m listening to music it automatically changes how I feel. It changes how I see the world and what I see in the world.

Of course it depends on what kind of music I’m listening to and my mood can go either way. For instance when I listen to:

It makes me feel bad ass. I walk around with a little more presence and a “don’t fuck with me” look on my face. It’s funny because if my sister sees me walking towards her, she immediately knows what kind of music I’m listening to at that very moment. She’ll laugh and go “Are you listening to rap??” haha. yup. I’m gangsta.

Or let’s say I’m listening to something like:

And I’m sitting in the train or bus, everything seems kind of floaty and high.. I don’t know exactly how to describe it, it’s not a depressing feeling, it’s really nice. Different. The colours seem to be more vibrant too. My face of course acts accordingly and I get a lot of strange looks from people who think I’m on something.

Then again if I listen to:

I feel like jumping and dancing and bopping along. Sometimes I will, even in public and I’ll have a huge smile on my face.

Funny how music can do that…