evil brain

Been going a little crazy lately, I know, what’s new? But I really think that this time it’s different. I really need to figure out where this crazy obsession that someone is hiding something from me needs to go. I need to figure out a way to get rid of these horrible feelings. I asked my boyfriend if he was hiding something and he said that I could go through everything of his and check his email and his computer… But there is something in the back of my head that won’t take away this feeling. Maybe it’s because of the emails I did find, disturbing pictures that he got from a way older woman. So disturbing. And the fact that he still has them. I guess I shouldn’t judge, it’s not like I didn’t do my share of bad bad things before him. I mean we all have a history, it’s just something that we come with, that we need to accept from each other. But for some reason there is still this nagging feeling. gross. mental images that will never go away!!! shivers everywhere!! Then there were other emails that I read (keep in mind, this was all before we got together) from him to random chicks. Then from him to his ex (one that caught me completely off guard seeing as it was post and pre break up) about how much he missed her blabla.. And it just struck a chord with me, about the things that he says to me now. And I know that during that relationship he was also in contact with this chick that he’s been into for years but that was never into him. So I really hope that if this chick now turns around and says that she loves him that he doesn’t just ditch me for her. I guess that’s the main issue here. I’m afraid of losing him… AH. Of course, makes sense.

I just would like every guy out there know, don’t mess with us girls, we have ways to find out if you are faithful or not. And we do not stop until we find our proof. We’re worse than the FBI and the CIA combined, we are straight up private I’s that should be paid millions because when we put our mind to something, WE WILL NOT STOP until we find something. And I found stuff, but nothing that is from our time together. So that’s a good thing. We’re good. And I need to remember that the next time I start freaking out.

Although I also know that guys, if they don’t want to be found out will do everything to not be caught.

So I guess I just have to trust and believe that he is not going to break my heart. Otherwise I know I will never be able to give it to him fully, not that I can physically do this, I know, but just in my mind I need to do this.

rambler out!

Jealousy

Last friday, it was my sister’s birthday party and I had been feeling fine and was excited to bring my boyfriend along to the party. Finally, everyone would see that he’s not made up, he exists! HAHA.. We took the train after a long day of trying to fix an (to us) unfixable appliance at home. So we got there a little late, but that didn’t matter.. Everyone was chilling around the table, drinking and smoking and talking and laughing. There was music blasting through a little stereo on the table by the door and people were everywhere. I said Hi to everyone and congratulated my sister, giving her the presents that I had gotten her. My boyfriend said hi to everyone too and placed himself on the ‘boy’ end of the table. I knew that he was social enough for me to leave him there. He was drinking and talking and chilling, towards the middle of the night he started smoking weed. I have no problems with that, it’s something that he does normally, I’m actually glad because it means that he doesn’t drink a lot. I hate alcohol, especially when ingested by someone I’m dating, so I’m very happy he hardly ever drinks.

Towards the end of the night, everyone is still drinking and seating has been rearranged a couple of times. There had been some dancing and some popping of the champagne that I got my sister, popped by this girl and unfortunately it got all over me because I suck at opening champagne bottles or something. Classic.

I was dancing in the ‘living room’ part of the house and when I turn around my sister is sharing a chair with my boyfriend. I looked and my head was like ‘ok, when did that happen? What the fuck? Get the fuck off my boyfriends chair, bitch!’ Then I took a step towards them, I was FUMING. Couldn’t think straight, all that was going through my head was craziness. My stare was burning a whole through her head, I think she might have noticed because she eventually got up. The next day my boyfriend and I were sitting on the couch talking, I was still annoyed, I know he didn’t know and I know he doesn’t think he did anything wrong (which to his defense he didn’t, and neither did my sister, it’s my own insecurities that I need to deal with..) and he starts asking me about a friend of my sisters (a guy, my sister’s ex’s best friend, a guy) and how long they have been friends. So I told him, about 5 years, and he’s always had a thing for my sister. My boyfriends looks at me and says the words I had dreaded “you think that’s crazy, he’s a guy..” So I look at him and go “what do you mean with that?” And he says, “well your sister’s a cute girl and he’s a guy and after being friends for that long…. Guys can’t be friends with girls.”

“Your sister’s a cute girl”……”Your sister’s a cute girl”… It kept echoing through my head over and over again.

How could I think that? I have no reason. He loves me, he tells me how happy he is with me. My sister is cute, and she’s my best friend. She would never do anything to hurt me like that. Neither would my boyfriend. None of the things in my head are true. And there’s nothing to suspect otherwise. I need to get over all of this madness. The only person it’s hurting is me, and if it keeps going it will eventually end up in me losing my boyfriend or even worse the amazing friendship that I have with my sister.

Ok, there, it’s out of me… I shall get on with my life as a normal person now.

Besides, a very wise friend once told me that if you’re always scared of getting hurt you’ll never be able to give yourself completely to anyone. And I’ve experienced enough heart break and survived so I shouldn’t be so scared of it. Enough. Jealousy is horrible and it’s a disgusting trait to have. I will get over this. It’s time to trust and give myself completely, no matter the consequences.

Sign off song:

why you cry?

I seem to have a knack for crying at everything and anything in sight. If there’s an older couple dancing together on a dance floor and he’s holder her just right my imagination goes wild and I see their entire life flash before my eyes. The children they had, the hardships they faced, sickness, the hurts, everything. My eyes start welling up and I’m done. Man, I could cry now. Dammit! Just the idea that this old old couple are still together after all those years and still seem like they’re in love is wonderful to me. In my head I know that I’m making up all these things and maybe this blissful moment is just that, a moment in time and they fight all the time bla bla bla. Cynical statement about love.

I am one of those cynical, or as I like to refer to myself, realistic people. In my own life, there is no time for fairy tales, no time for wishing on stars or dreaming about what could be. In my world, the only way to get from A to B is by yourself. You get yourself there, it is you and only you. Not in a narcissistic way, not like I’m pushing people out of the way to get where I’m going but I believe that in the end, the only person that will be there for me is me. Call me negative but I do believe that. I think what it is is a form of self preservation, making sure not to let anyone too close to ever hurt me.

But when I witness something that does not fit in the way I see the world. Something that other people believe in, something like what I described above, for a split second my world shatters and I become a hopeless romantic and day dream believer and all my defenses are down and the dams to heart open up and gush out of my eyes.

In a way I hope I change, I kinda like the feeling of believing this kind of thing is possible. You could say I’m battling my inner cynic. At the moment it’s 50/50.

Meet the parents. Finally.

Little update about the relationship. It is getting even more serious, but not only for me now, for the boytoy too. I say boytoy because he is in fact two years younger than me. YAY. Like an energizer bunny, he just keeps going and going and going and going……

Anyways, this week he will be meeting the other man child in my life. My father. Very entertaining, also nerve wracking and worrying. I have to say that most of the worrying concerns how my father will react. Even though he hasn’t been the most attentive or even present father, he might well be the most protective. Maybe even a little over protective. And for some reason, even though I hate to admit this, he’s always right. Man, I am so glad that no one knows about this blog or there would be evidence of his correctness. Oh wait I just realised it’s next week. Hahaha…. No matter. Wow, I might be getting a little too excited about this meet.

Ok, I’m guessing that all this excitement is due to the fact that not only is my boyfriend going to meet one of my parental units but also we just discussed when he is coming to my country to meet the entire family! I am so homesick it is not even funny, cannot wait to go home!!

Okay, here’s the good part. He’s gonna stay with me in my country for like a week!! Our first vacation away together. Granted it will be away for him and home for me. Aaaaand he gets to spend some good old quality time with my super crazy loud family. But I’m sure that everything will be fine.

No I’m not, now I’m panicking, what if he doesn’t like them? What if they don’t like him? Are we gonna break up? Holy crap I should have thought about this earlier.

No, it will be fine. Must stop freaking out. I thought we were past all of that non-sense. Positive, mind altering, good thoughts from now on.

No music on. No song. Oh wait I had this annoying little tune stuck in my cabesa all freaking evening…. AAAND it’s back:

Monday Morning Mellow Meltdown

I think I got over it. I mentally re-programmed my brain and stopped worrying. YAY!! Ladies and gentlemen. It is possible. Although I have to say it’s only been a couple of days since I stopped thinking like I thought before and I don’t know how long this state of mind will stay. We shall see. I’ll keep you updated.
Had a nice talk with the manchild on saturday. All about life and parents and how we think that we won’t be like our parents. How their mistakes showed us how to do things better. I really hope this will be the case, even though scientific research (:/) shows that almost 100% of all people turn out like their parents or something like that. I don’t know, whatever. I have done 0% research on any platform to confirm this statement so it may be incorrect.

I have noticed that I may be at fault for a lot of the negative reactions in my relationship. Need to work on my messaging skills. Have a feeling that I may come across angry a lot of the time when I’m actually just emotionless. Maybe smiley would clarify future statements. Actually had a conversation about this to my manfriend person, he also suggested use of smileys. Noted.
Has anyone noticed that the “angry” smileys don’t bring across your point at all and actually seem kind of funny? For instance, if you are really angry and trying to convey it through emoticons it only confuses the person on the receiving end of the message. Try it out once, when you are angry. Not that anyone actually thinks when they’re emotional. Which, brings me to my next point. This weekend was an eventful one in the life of me and my sister. We fought (big time bitch fight) for the first time in a very long time. It was funny because one of us was not intoxicated. This makes for some very confusing times for the non-intoxicated person, namely myself. It is confusing because as it turns out, liquored up people change their minds a lot and quickly. As quickly as storming out of a bar after saying “fuck this, fuck that, fuck you, I’m going the fuck home”. I stormed out of the bar after her, walked past her to get a cab and she turned around and went “Really, Blank? Really? Are you really gonna do that? Come on. Calm down.” To which I responded “Am I in the fucking twilight zone?” Then we kissed and made up because I knew it was pointless to argue with the drunkenness that had taken over my sister.

I need to update this more often. Too much stuff happens to put it in days after.

Nice song for today:

Happy Halloween.

After a very long and quite satisfying relationship of 10 years with myself, I too have decided to take a leap into the pool of love. Why? It seems this pool is also full of new insecurities and disappointment. I never used to have that with myself. I was always there for me, I always did everything I wanted, I always ate what I wanted, I always knew what I was thinking, I had everything under control. As you can see it was a very me centered universe. And I like it. No, I loved it. It was fun, why change it?

Well… Some time last year I got an itch. That itch was called sex. And it needed to be scratched, hard and a lot. Unfortunately being of the female sex, sex is different and the magic number three makes me fall in love. Three times with the same boy and I’m hooked. I dated around a bit, using this wonderful tool called “the internet”. It was great, loads of men, all itching too. Fun fun.

So I went out with a couple of these men (if I feel like it some day I’ll give a detailed summary of every single one of them), texted others but never met up, called some etc.
Then eventually these men turned into one man and that’s when the all important “feelings” (barf) took over and it was: What are WE going to do? What should WE eat tonight? And most importantly: What are YOU thinking about?

Where are you going? What are you doing? Where are you staying tonight? Sound familiar? Yeah that’s what it sounds like when you start sharing your life with someone. Constant questioning about everything. Sometimes those questions are best kept to yourself, paranoia sets in and you question every action. Why is he doing that, why isn’t he doing that. Where is he? What’s he doing? Who’s he with? Why not with me?

Why not with me. What is this constant obsession of wanting him near me? Was I not ok before? Did I not watch TV on my own and cook alone and walk alone and dance alone and sometimes even talk alone?????? REALLY?!? Is this what happens to you when you are in a relationship. I really hope this phase ends soon. I need to trust. And I need to be ok with him not being with me all the freaking time! And I will because like a computer, I will reprogram my brain. It has been programmed to not trust anything or anyone (more information to follow) and I am determined to not FUCK THIS UP.

😀

And another nice song that just came on the radio: