Boy, bye.

Soo, my relationship ended after 5 years and 1.5 years of marriage. Yup. Got married, thought it would be forever. Really did. Really believed that shit.

So he asked me on the 25th of December 2014 under the full moon and stars on the Seychelles. I said “you crazy motherfucker” and accepted. 7 months later with all of our friends and family present we said yes to each other. For better or worse, right? Wrong. He left as soon as things got a little tough, he talked himself out of loving me. He told me so. I fought, even when he said he didn’t love me, I put down my pride and fought until I could not fight anymore.

Last year in October I noticed he was turning into a completely different person so putting aside all of my pride and knowing what the outcome would be I asked him: “would you be happier without me?” His answer: “Yes.” And that was that, he left, I “helped” him pack his bag (threw his shit out the door along with him, let my emotions get the best of me there).

That wasn’t the end of it, a month later he contacted me to get the divorce started and I said I was in town so we should meet face to face to talk it out. He came to town and started sobbing and saying that he made a mistake and now that he sees me he realises it and wants me back. I honestly didn’t know what to think, was this too goo to be true, was this what I wanted? I didn’t know, but I knew that my feelings had not gone away, I knew that I still loved him and would try again to make it work. For 7 days we were on cloud 9, we hibernated and just held on to each other as if our lives depended on it. As if we were the only two people left on earth. Then I had to go home because I was celebrating my sister’s 30th and I have never felt such fear in my entire life, like the world was closing in on me. What if he changes his mind again?? I came back to find that my fears were correct. He left me AGAIN, 3 days after coming home, said that in the four days I was gone he hadn’t missed me so that obviously meant that he didn’t love me. I almost laughed out loud when I heard that, wanted to tear his stupid head off but I didn’t. This time I remained calm and just let him walk out, I could not fight for this love anymore. This was the last time he would do this to me.

Wrong again! HAHAHA! I am a sucker for punishment. I moved out of the country and started my life all over again in a new big city, close to my friends and far away from him. 3 months later he writes me an sms asking me if I hated him and if I had completely given up on him. Then he wrote me a novel telling me how much he misses me and wants me back, begging me to take him back. I responded that I didn’t know what to believe at this point, that this wasn’t the first time he’s said something like that so I would need more proof that he’s willing to work on us and himself. He came to the city where I live now and told me he completely changed his mind from the last email he sent. I was stoic and felt nauseous the entire time he was around me, my body was giving me all the signs I needed to let go of him once and for all. I’m done.

boybye

Being

So sick and tired of all the people getting fucking pregnant all around me. Like it’s no big deal, oh I just feel like bringing a little more life into the world. Seriously people, does nobody realize the repercussions of birthing children? I mean sure, they’re fun, for the first couple of years and then it’s just a constant whining and yammering about all the crap they want. After that they start to hate you and that goes on for about 10 years and if you have more children you could be hated for a long time. Who wants to be hated??? NOBODY! That shit sucks. It’s like sure, I brought you into this world, I made you survive, I fed, clothed and washed your ass and what do I get for it? HATE? No thank you. Then they start talking and asking why all the time and you have to give them reasons like you’re fucking GOD. Oh and the walking part happens and all you do is worry about them getting their pretty little faces hurt. And then the personalities start coming out and you can tell if your kid is gonna be an asshole or not and you wonder if it’s your fault or is it society but it’s probably the teachers, those fuckers fucked up your child. And you gotta look out for pedo’s and creepsters and hope your kid is smart enough to not join a gang or be a street thug or deal drugs or have a baby before they can handle it. Not that it ever gets any easier.

Screw you, you little bastard. You took away my life. I have no life because of you, you have my life. You STOLE MY LIFE. I give you everything. You are probably gonna ruin mommy and daddy’s perfect relationship because we can’t have sex anymore because you suck all of our energy dry. And daddy has to work over time coz he has to make more money for your little ass and he resents having to do this so he starts to hate your mommy and starts seeing other women, or maybe even whores because there are no feelings involved.

WOW. So glad I don’t have to deal with any of this shit yet, or maybe ever. Thinking very hard about whether or not to birth evil little creatures any time soon.

bebe

evil brain

Been going a little crazy lately, I know, what’s new? But I really think that this time it’s different. I really need to figure out where this crazy obsession that someone is hiding something from me needs to go. I need to figure out a way to get rid of these horrible feelings. I asked my boyfriend if he was hiding something and he said that I could go through everything of his and check his email and his computer… But there is something in the back of my head that won’t take away this feeling. Maybe it’s because of the emails I did find, disturbing pictures that he got from a way older woman. So disturbing. And the fact that he still has them. I guess I shouldn’t judge, it’s not like I didn’t do my share of bad bad things before him. I mean we all have a history, it’s just something that we come with, that we need to accept from each other. But for some reason there is still this nagging feeling. gross. mental images that will never go away!!! shivers everywhere!! Then there were other emails that I read (keep in mind, this was all before we got together) from him to random chicks. Then from him to his ex (one that caught me completely off guard seeing as it was post and pre break up) about how much he missed her blabla.. And it just struck a chord with me, about the things that he says to me now. And I know that during that relationship he was also in contact with this chick that he’s been into for years but that was never into him. So I really hope that if this chick now turns around and says that she loves him that he doesn’t just ditch me for her. I guess that’s the main issue here. I’m afraid of losing him… AH. Of course, makes sense.

I just would like every guy out there know, don’t mess with us girls, we have ways to find out if you are faithful or not. And we do not stop until we find our proof. We’re worse than the FBI and the CIA combined, we are straight up private I’s that should be paid millions because when we put our mind to something, WE WILL NOT STOP until we find something. And I found stuff, but nothing that is from our time together. So that’s a good thing. We’re good. And I need to remember that the next time I start freaking out.

Although I also know that guys, if they don’t want to be found out will do everything to not be caught.

So I guess I just have to trust and believe that he is not going to break my heart. Otherwise I know I will never be able to give it to him fully, not that I can physically do this, I know, but just in my mind I need to do this.

rambler out!

compromise

compromise

I was talking about compromise to my boyfriend the other day and I didn’t feel like I was getting through to him. So yesterday in a wild over the phone texting argument, I explained it to him in boy language. I said: It’s like this, if I would stop doing all the things I might not like with you, we would not spend time together anymore. And then he was all I’m so sorry and I promise I’ll be better, you deserve so much more than what I’m giving you and I know that, please believe me. Of course I want to believe him and I am trying my best but until I see some actions in his court, it’s gonna be hard to convince me with a bunch of sappy bullshit he may or may not have heard in some bob marley song. But yeah, still trying to give him the benefit of the doubt.

Now I don’t want people to get the wrong idea of him, he is most probably the most attentive, sweetest guys I have ever met. And he has a way that makes me feel like I’m the most beautiful girl in the world. On a side note; looking at his exes and flings, that is the case, and he is one lucky motherfucker to be dating me. He loves his family, is hard working and responsible (most of the time). So I am very lucky to be dating him too. The difference is that instead of always telling him, I show him. I do little things around his house to surprise him, like the dishes, so he doesn’t have to do them when he comes home after a long day at work. And I always spoil him with yummy dishes and make sure that he is always satisfied in bed. I do things for him.

I just feel like it should come from both sides, and I don’t think that swallowing it (no pun intended) and waiting for him to notice all the little things I do whilst idly sitting by and thanking me for all the things is worth it. And bringing these things up early in a relationship is probably for the best too. So he has time to change, or I have time to move on. I know it’s a harsh thing to say, and I really hope that it doesn’t come to that because our babies would be adorable, but it’s just how I feel. But please please please don’t let the latter have to happen. please. I loves him.