Boy, bye.

Soo, my relationship ended after 5 years and 1.5 years of marriage. Yup. Got married, thought it would be forever. Really did. Really believed that shit.

So he asked me on the 25th of December 2014 under the full moon and stars on the Seychelles. I said “you crazy motherfucker” and accepted. 7 months later with all of our friends and family present we said yes to each other. For better or worse, right? Wrong. He left as soon as things got a little tough, he talked himself out of loving me. He told me so. I fought, even when he said he didn’t love me, I put down my pride and fought until I could not fight anymore.

Last year in October I noticed he was turning into a completely different person so putting aside all of my pride and knowing what the outcome would be I asked him: “would you be happier without me?” His answer: “Yes.” And that was that, he left, I “helped” him pack his bag (threw his shit out the door along with him, let my emotions get the best of me there).

That wasn’t the end of it, a month later he contacted me to get the divorce started and I said I was in town so we should meet face to face to talk it out. He came to town and started sobbing and saying that he made a mistake and now that he sees me he realises it and wants me back. I honestly didn’t know what to think, was this too goo to be true, was this what I wanted? I didn’t know, but I knew that my feelings had not gone away, I knew that I still loved him and would try again to make it work. For 7 days we were on cloud 9, we hibernated and just held on to each other as if our lives depended on it. As if we were the only two people left on earth. Then I had to go home because I was celebrating my sister’s 30th and I have never felt such fear in my entire life, like the world was closing in on me. What if he changes his mind again?? I came back to find that my fears were correct. He left me AGAIN, 3 days after coming home, said that in the four days I was gone he hadn’t missed me so that obviously meant that he didn’t love me. I almost laughed out loud when I heard that, wanted to tear his stupid head off but I didn’t. This time I remained calm and just let him walk out, I could not fight for this love anymore. This was the last time he would do this to me.

Wrong again! HAHAHA! I am a sucker for punishment. I moved out of the country and started my life all over again in a new big city, close to my friends and far away from him. 3 months later he writes me an sms asking me if I hated him and if I had completely given up on him. Then he wrote me a novel telling me how much he misses me and wants me back, begging me to take him back. I responded that I didn’t know what to believe at this point, that this wasn’t the first time he’s said something like that so I would need more proof that he’s willing to work on us and himself. He came to the city where I live now and told me he completely changed his mind from the last email he sent. I was stoic and felt nauseous the entire time he was around me, my body was giving me all the signs I needed to let go of him once and for all. I’m done.

boybye

interwebbed

So after the boyfriend left for work about 4 hours ago I was surfing the web, pinterest and various other surfable places. It’s amazing what’s out there and the different people you find, sharing their stories and views. I’m a big fan of people and their views. Unless they’re stupid in which case I just don’t listen to them, althoughhhhhh…. No, I take it back, sometimes the stupider a person is the more entertaining their view points are. So I am an all over people person. Wait, no, I’m not. Ok, on certain occasions I am a people person. Anyway, wow, little side track there. Right, so I was surfing pinterest and I came across this guy called “Olan Rogers” and the first video I saw of him was this one:

It cracked me up. I am the kind of person who will be walking around somewhere with my iPod in and not even notice that I’m bopping along. So when I saw him full on dancing around in super markets and hallways I felt an instant connection. I love when people have the ability to just be themselves without caring what other people are thinking. Awesome quality.

So it intrigued me, so I thought to myself, who is this guy and why is he famous, what does he do? Singer? Actor? Some american real life soap star I do not know about yet? I must find out. So I clicked this video:

And I couldn’t believe it. He was hilarious, or at least in my eyes he was. The inside conversation that he was having with the valet parking guy and the whole crumb dusting thing, I feel the same way! This is all I have seen of him so far and I’m afraid to watch anything more due to the fact that it might not be as funny and this will be an overall let down of the hype that I have built around him in my head from the previous two videos. 

Oh well, here goes nothing… 

Sitting at home after a surgery and being told by the doctor that you must take it easy is different from those days when you choose to be lazy. Being told to be lazy, i feel, changes the feel of the laziness. It makes it less enjoyable. I want to be able to enjoy my laziness, really put some effort into it and really lazy it up! But finding new TV shows to watch it difficult when you’ve caught up on all your shows and there aren’t any new ones until tomorrow. So I have to go out on a limb and try something completely new, embark on a journey outside of my comfort zone. Not something I would normally want to do when I am lazying it up. But I must……

I saw a commercial on TV for a show that runs on Foxlife, it’s called “Touch”. And I just finished the first episode of the first season and needless to say, I’m downloading the full first season as I type. Yes, I am hooked to Touch. Thank you Kieffer Sutherland for quitting that boreland “24”. This is much much better. Let me just say, it ended in a soaked sweater sleeves.

So maybe being told to relax is ok. I guess you can be lazy when told to, if your will is strong enough and you have some shows to watch or a good book to read. PAHAHAHA.. yeah sure. read. me. pfffff. ok bye now.

lazy

 

Big softy

Big softy <——LINK

I have been doing a lot of research on the topic of man and with a lot of research I mean, googling and looking at random articles on the inter webs. I came across this article by an “expert” who claims that we need to show softness and I agree with her to some extent.

Interesting read.

Perspective

So this is what it comes down to then, how I feel about something is different from how you feel about the same thing. It’s always gonna be like that. No matter what the thing is.

My boyfriend always tells me he loves me more than i love him. I had a whole discussion with him about why he thinks that is the case in mamy heterosexual relationships. “You see” he says staring straight into my eyes. “You can get any guy you want, it’s just easier for girls to get a guy. But for men, well we have to work for it. So when we finally get that girl we want, we cherish and love her more than she loves us. And that’s ok with me.”

Ok I understand what he’s trying to say here and I may even understand why he feels the way we feel. But I don’t agree with it. I think that because we have more choice and it’s easier but we choose to stay with the idiot we decided for makes us love them more. No? Maybe. Maybe not. For now I’m content in letting him believe that he loves me more, I mean what girl is gonna argue with a man over the amount of love he feels for you? That’s just silly. And anyway, we will never be able to feel what another person feels. That is impossible.

triple f

My boy likes three things. Fishing, football and fucking. Now you can guess which, of those three things, I enjoy doing with him the most. I’m not even gonna say it. (I’ll give you a hint, it starts with an F.) Now it’s not that I have a problem with him only liking these things, it just seems that I am giving up a lot of myself to make him happy. And the problem here being that I am not getting very much in return. Not even in the department I enjoy most. Hint: F word. 

Having a sex drive that is higher than that of your partner’s can be frustrating at times, and me being the female part of this heterosexual twosome, makes it even more incomprehensible. I was talking to a friend of mine and she seems to be having the same problem, her boyfriend is tired when he gets home from work so they only do it like once a week. SHOCKER, and I’m complaining about once a day. Hoof. But we seem to have a comparable situation. We’re both not fully employed and our boyfriends are. I feel like boredom frees up too much space in the day so that you are constantly thinking about stuff. 

I am always thinking about way too much. To the point where in one day I will have made wrong decisions about made up arguments in my head about three times. It’s ridiculous. Also, I will have fantasized about different ways to have sex and new positions and places and I don’t know what else, so that by the time hubby arrives home all I want to do is tear him apart with my teeth and scratch up his whole back. But then with less blood and gore. 

So there, I solved a problem for people who are wondering why their sex drive is higher. You are too bored, go outside and play in the sun or some shit. You know, read a book for christ sake. Or….. start a blog. ha. Yes my dear readers, this is my sexual outlet. How dirty do you feel now? 

Image

Valentine’s Day apart

So this year I will be spending my first Valentine’s Day that I’ve ever been in a relationship apart from my significant other. Now I just wanna get something straight, I do not nor will I ever endorse Valentine’s Day. But I just want him to know that I love and miss him, when I’m living it up in Africa and he’s being a sad little man back here in the cold cold winter. Coldest it’s been in years!! MUWAHAHA. I am evil.

So I wanted to come up with something interesting to do for my man so that he would know that even though I’m gone, I’m still here! (stalker gf image)

I did what any clueless romantic does. I googled my problem, “Valentine’s Day long distance” and the answers that I received were less than helpful and almost vomit inducing. I don’t do scrap booking or mix tape making and I don’t like flowers. So this has proven to be a dilemma in it’s own right. 

I have decided to try and see if I can come up with some of my own original ideas. hmm. 

I want it to be something that he’ll be happy with so I’ll list things he likes.
Something that will show that I pay attention to him.
Something that he can use without me but not something sexual, that would be weird although I’m pretty sure he’s get a kick out of it. 
Or something that we can both do when I get back. Hints to something we’ll do when he gets back… hmm.. I think we’re on to something..

I’ll figure it out later.