evil brain

Been going a little crazy lately, I know, what’s new? But I really think that this time it’s different. I really need to figure out where this crazy obsession that someone is hiding something from me needs to go. I need to figure out a way to get rid of these horrible feelings. I asked my boyfriend if he was hiding something and he said that I could go through everything of his and check his email and his computer… But there is something in the back of my head that won’t take away this feeling. Maybe it’s because of the emails I did find, disturbing pictures that he got from a way older woman. So disturbing. And the fact that he still has them. I guess I shouldn’t judge, it’s not like I didn’t do my share of bad bad things before him. I mean we all have a history, it’s just something that we come with, that we need to accept from each other. But for some reason there is still this nagging feeling. gross. mental images that will never go away!!! shivers everywhere!! Then there were other emails that I read (keep in mind, this was all before we got together) from him to random chicks. Then from him to his ex (one that caught me completely off guard seeing as it was post and pre break up) about how much he missed her blabla.. And it just struck a chord with me, about the things that he says to me now. And I know that during that relationship he was also in contact with this chick that he’s been into for years but that was never into him. So I really hope that if this chick now turns around and says that she loves him that he doesn’t just ditch me for her. I guess that’s the main issue here. I’m afraid of losing him… AH. Of course, makes sense.

I just would like every guy out there know, don’t mess with us girls, we have ways to find out if you are faithful or not. And we do not stop until we find our proof. We’re worse than the FBI and the CIA combined, we are straight up private I’s that should be paid millions because when we put our mind to something, WE WILL NOT STOP until we find something. And I found stuff, but nothing that is from our time together. So that’s a good thing. We’re good. And I need to remember that the next time I start freaking out.

Although I also know that guys, if they don’t want to be found out will do everything to not be caught.

So I guess I just have to trust and believe that he is not going to break my heart. Otherwise I know I will never be able to give it to him fully, not that I can physically do this, I know, but just in my mind I need to do this.

rambler out!

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compromise

compromise

I was talking about compromise to my boyfriend the other day and I didn’t feel like I was getting through to him. So yesterday in a wild over the phone texting argument, I explained it to him in boy language. I said: It’s like this, if I would stop doing all the things I might not like with you, we would not spend time together anymore. And then he was all I’m so sorry and I promise I’ll be better, you deserve so much more than what I’m giving you and I know that, please believe me. Of course I want to believe him and I am trying my best but until I see some actions in his court, it’s gonna be hard to convince me with a bunch of sappy bullshit he may or may not have heard in some bob marley song. But yeah, still trying to give him the benefit of the doubt.

Now I don’t want people to get the wrong idea of him, he is most probably the most attentive, sweetest guys I have ever met. And he has a way that makes me feel like I’m the most beautiful girl in the world. On a side note; looking at his exes and flings, that is the case, and he is one lucky motherfucker to be dating me. He loves his family, is hard working and responsible (most of the time). So I am very lucky to be dating him too. The difference is that instead of always telling him, I show him. I do little things around his house to surprise him, like the dishes, so he doesn’t have to do them when he comes home after a long day at work. And I always spoil him with yummy dishes and make sure that he is always satisfied in bed. I do things for him.

I just feel like it should come from both sides, and I don’t think that swallowing it (no pun intended) and waiting for him to notice all the little things I do whilst idly sitting by and thanking me for all the things is worth it. And bringing these things up early in a relationship is probably for the best too. So he has time to change, or I have time to move on. I know it’s a harsh thing to say, and I really hope that it doesn’t come to that because our babies would be adorable, but it’s just how I feel. But please please please don’t let the latter have to happen. please. I loves him.

feelings

I did a bad, bad thing. I went through my boyfriend’s online history. I don’t know why, I think I wanted to delete some of my own, to not mess up his computer and there it was, staring me in the face. Every website he had visited and every facebook page he had checked. I found something that freaked me out, of course. A name of a girl, that I didn’t know. I quickly checked it on my phone to see if he was friends with her, had any friends in common or (worst) to see if she was hot. She was. PANIC set in. He saw it on my face. “What’s wrong, baby?” he asked. “Nothing.” I said my voice quivering. Thoughts were racing through my mind, if I tell him about this he’ll know that I was checking his history and of course I will end up being the bad guy. “Tell me, I can see it on your face that something is up!” He demanded. I start nervously laughing, “Nooooo.. You’re gonna think I’m a freak…” Of course I ended up telling him and trying to explain my situation, that I’m not a freak and that I trust him and that I know he wouldn’t do anything. It was just something that upset me. He sighed and told me to look through all of the history, that he had nothing to hide. I believe him. I really do. But there’s something inside me that’s just too curious for my own good. Guess that saying is correct.

I don’t know what it is inside me that thinks that everything good in my life will end eventually and that nothing will ever just be. I have a feeling though that it’s all to do with everything that I’ve been through. Finding out at the age of 20 that my father is cheating on my mother, having to keep it a secret for 6 months during which I wrote several extremely ill-mannered letters and didn’t speak to my father once. To only later (5 years) find out that he had been serially cheating on my mother with several different women over the course of 23 years (!!!). It may have a little something to do with that.

But anyways, writing it down always seems to help. So there, vented. Time to get on with some good, good loving.

Image

life is hard

That’s what you can sum up from a number of posts of friends I have on facebook. Usually these are the people that have everything they need, they still find one (or sometimes everything) thing to complain about. Constantly whining about how hard their life is, how they wished they changed this and that. Eh. ok. Keep that shit to yourself I don’t need to drown in your misery. I try to keep all my public profiles (that people I know know about) positive and cheerful! I try to make sure that when people look at my profile, they leave feeling a little happier or the same as when the came. With funny pictures or anecdotes from my life as it is right now. Focusing so much on the negative will only bring you down more, or so I’ve learned. So I try (that being the key word here) to be a positive poster.

I guess I’d rather take out my negativity on an anonymous platform like this. If you don’t like what I’m saying that’s cool, you have the choice to click away and forget what you read. But I guess being anonymous also gives you a certain power to not care what others think of you. It’s just a way of venting my feelings to a platform of readers or nobody but it just feels better because I feel like I sent it out in the vast World Wide Web. And I feel like some of my troubles get swallowed up by it. Feels pretty good. And makes it less likely for me to freak out at people that I care about and in that way pushing those people away.

A little update on my little green monster, I am actively working on becoming a better person. One that does not use jealousy to mask her own insecurities. One that is trying to open up and give myself to the one that cares about me and that I in turn care about too. I’m doing this through cognitive therapy, things that I learned a year or so ago when I was seeing a therapist. I had lost a bunch of weight and didn’t know how I felt about myself. Very low self esteem (something that is obviously still there a bit today) and daddy issues. I got dismissed and my therapist said that I was a normal person. hahahaha.. Almost…. I just need a little more tweaking.

I think another way I’m gonna help myself is doing something that I love, dancing. Joining a dance class and becoming active in a way that I find fun! Being active will make me fitter and in turn make me happier about myself. Focusing on myself, that will be December. Life is easy, you are born and then you die. What happens in between is up to you. I would just rather be a positive human being.

Song:

Jealousy

Last friday, it was my sister’s birthday party and I had been feeling fine and was excited to bring my boyfriend along to the party. Finally, everyone would see that he’s not made up, he exists! HAHA.. We took the train after a long day of trying to fix an (to us) unfixable appliance at home. So we got there a little late, but that didn’t matter.. Everyone was chilling around the table, drinking and smoking and talking and laughing. There was music blasting through a little stereo on the table by the door and people were everywhere. I said Hi to everyone and congratulated my sister, giving her the presents that I had gotten her. My boyfriend said hi to everyone too and placed himself on the ‘boy’ end of the table. I knew that he was social enough for me to leave him there. He was drinking and talking and chilling, towards the middle of the night he started smoking weed. I have no problems with that, it’s something that he does normally, I’m actually glad because it means that he doesn’t drink a lot. I hate alcohol, especially when ingested by someone I’m dating, so I’m very happy he hardly ever drinks.

Towards the end of the night, everyone is still drinking and seating has been rearranged a couple of times. There had been some dancing and some popping of the champagne that I got my sister, popped by this girl and unfortunately it got all over me because I suck at opening champagne bottles or something. Classic.

I was dancing in the ‘living room’ part of the house and when I turn around my sister is sharing a chair with my boyfriend. I looked and my head was like ‘ok, when did that happen? What the fuck? Get the fuck off my boyfriends chair, bitch!’ Then I took a step towards them, I was FUMING. Couldn’t think straight, all that was going through my head was craziness. My stare was burning a whole through her head, I think she might have noticed because she eventually got up. The next day my boyfriend and I were sitting on the couch talking, I was still annoyed, I know he didn’t know and I know he doesn’t think he did anything wrong (which to his defense he didn’t, and neither did my sister, it’s my own insecurities that I need to deal with..) and he starts asking me about a friend of my sisters (a guy, my sister’s ex’s best friend, a guy) and how long they have been friends. So I told him, about 5 years, and he’s always had a thing for my sister. My boyfriends looks at me and says the words I had dreaded “you think that’s crazy, he’s a guy..” So I look at him and go “what do you mean with that?” And he says, “well your sister’s a cute girl and he’s a guy and after being friends for that long…. Guys can’t be friends with girls.”

“Your sister’s a cute girl”……”Your sister’s a cute girl”… It kept echoing through my head over and over again.

How could I think that? I have no reason. He loves me, he tells me how happy he is with me. My sister is cute, and she’s my best friend. She would never do anything to hurt me like that. Neither would my boyfriend. None of the things in my head are true. And there’s nothing to suspect otherwise. I need to get over all of this madness. The only person it’s hurting is me, and if it keeps going it will eventually end up in me losing my boyfriend or even worse the amazing friendship that I have with my sister.

Ok, there, it’s out of me… I shall get on with my life as a normal person now.

Besides, a very wise friend once told me that if you’re always scared of getting hurt you’ll never be able to give yourself completely to anyone. And I’ve experienced enough heart break and survived so I shouldn’t be so scared of it. Enough. Jealousy is horrible and it’s a disgusting trait to have. I will get over this. It’s time to trust and give myself completely, no matter the consequences.

Sign off song:

Tonight

Tonight is the night. The night that my father meets the new man in my life. The one that I think is gonna stick around, the one that might just be the one. I think I’m a little nervous. Why? Because my face broke out and I have a swollen lymph node under my jaw. My mandibular lymph node to be precise. It’s swollen up to the size of a walnut. When I’m nervous, I don’t feel the nervousness but for some reason my body likes to remind me that I am nervous. So I either get the runs or I get sick in some sort of way. The lymph node doesn’t really bother me though, it’s this super intense and HUGE zit on my chin that does. It doesn’t help that I’ve been picking and squeezing at it non-stop since it erupted so that now it looks more I scraped my chin with rough sand paper for like 10 hours… It’s horrible, and no amount of make up seems to cover it.

I have no clue how it’s going to go tonight and I have refrained from trying to figure out how it’s gonna go. I am not getting my hopes up but I also don’t have a bleak outlook on things. Mostly because I really don’t feel like freaking out. I’m just gonna role with the punches and hope I don’t get hit. I am so cliche. Anyways.. what else is happening in my life…

I talked to a friend yesterday about my trust issues and she seems to have a different perspective than I do. She seems to think that it’s my relationship before this one that messed up my sense of men. Basically what happened was I had been seeing this guy for like 2 months or so, but in those 2 months I fell so head of heels completely for this guy that I was blinded to what was actually happening. This guy promised me the stars and the moon and everything in between. He said that he would be there for me and was planning a future with me. He said that he didn’t have time to play games because (and here’s where I missed the point) he had just gotten out of a 9 (!!!) year (!!!) relationship. I should have seen the warning signs. I was substitute for his ex but I wasn’t his ex. And as soon as he figured that out he informed me that (and I’m using his precise words) he could “never fall in love” with me. Ouch. Harsh. I had clearly already fallen. And having my heart ripped out and stomped on like that was a new thing. What followed were two days of boohoo, locked up in my room, not eating at all, just leaving my room for the occasional whizz on the toilet. So sad. It was bad because I had never had anyone do that to me before and I felt like I was completely unlovable. On the following monday I decided to pick my self up and throw myself into the dating scene, head first. I went on three consecutive dates that week and made myself feel better with all of the boys that wanted a piece of me. The attention did me good and on the second date I met the one that I am with now. He treated me like a queen and I told my mother about him straight away. I didn’t think it was possible to find someone like him anymore, someone who holds open doors, pays for crap and compliments you every second he gets. Trust me, I was suspicious too. I can honestly say, for the first couple of months at least, I didn’t believe a word that was coming out of his mouth. I thought that everything he was telling me was a lie and that he was just about to leave me.

I think it’s different now, I still don’t believe everything, but I’m getting there. Opening up. Letting him in. I hope I get there before I screw this up though. I love him, I really do.

 

UPDATE: It didn’t happen, my dad’s plane got cancelled. 😦

innocence

I was riding home on public transport the other day and there was this kid that had just exited the tram and was walking with the tram. I was sitting at the window listening to music thinking about things. All of a sudden I hear a thud on the window and I look up and it’s this little kid dramatically holding on to the window and mouthing “NOOOO…” as the tram picked up speed. Like in a movie scene where the train starts moving and the lovers have to part. It was such an innocent joke to play on someone, no malice in his eyes what so ever. This got me thinking, when do we lose that? That pure, unadulterated innocence? And is there still some of that pureness in us?

I don’t have the answer. But it did trigger more thoughts. The tram stopped a little down the road and there were two guys in a big BMW with nice white leather interior. They were dressed in FUBU from head to toe, or whatever is hot and gangsta now a days. I locked eyes with the driver, I don’t wanna be judgmental, but you know that car was not bought with legal funds. I felt a certain sadness, because he reminded me a little of the kid from before and this made me think what if that adorable sweet child turns into this dude. Sad.

This triggered the thought about power and money and how susceptible people are to it. Especially men. And how it changes them. I know this from personal experience. The men with power and money are the most despicable men on this earth. They are corrupt and vial and disgusting. They do things that are immoral and bad. They hurt others without a care in the world. They are narcissistic. And worst of all, all they want is more. More power and more money and they can’t stop. It’s like an addiction and they are blinded in their path to, what they think is, greatness. I have yet to meet a man of status that has not cheated on his wife or is an alcoholic or is addicted to some other thing.

That got me thinking about the main man in my life and his struggle to make ends meet every month. How responsible he is at only 26: he owns his own house, he has a steady job (that he dislikes) and he is still the sweetest person I have ever met. And when we’re together I sometimes see that innocence, that little boy, that twinkle in his eyes and I hope that it stays that way.