together

It’s been a great couple of days, really. A kind of weekend that puts things back into perspective and regenerated my brain to go after what I want. It’s not that I did a lot or talked all too much but I cleared my head, walking around the city I love. Re-seeing the things I love about it and reliving the emotions that I felt once upon a time.

I did have to put up with my sister’s quick temper which always catches me off guard. I never know what I did or said wrong, maybe it’s how I word things or the tone in which I say them. I feel that change is something that can’t be forced onto others so I try to look at my actions and see if maybe I can change something that I’m doing.

Missed the boyfriend this weekend though. It’s a strange feeling, this missing feeling. It’s literally like something is missing. My sister and I were walking through a chinese light show that was on in town and I would unconsciously look beside me and think that my boyfriend was standing there. Like he was supposed to be there, watching the lights with me, feeling warm in the blistering cold. Nope. No one there, move on to the next light. Not that I need him there constantly, but there are just times and places where I feel like he should be there. Like I want to share the things that I’m seeing and feeling with him. I was never one of these girls that always wanted a certain person around them. On the contrary, I liked my space and being alone suited me just fine, it still does sometimes which is a little hard considering I have a roommate at the moment. Not that I mind her, she’s awesome and we’re friends so that makes the situation even easier. But when I’m with my boyfriend I don’t ever have that “I want to be alone feeling”. Weird. Good weird.

He worked all weekend so on sunday night, after his shift he came around to my place and we smoked and talked in the kitchen and then went to bed around 4am after a much needed intimate session of love making. hahaahha.. then we woke up around 3pm and did our thing till he had to leave for work again at 9:30 pm. Saying goodbye was kinda tough, I knew that I wouldn’t see him again until at least friday, I’m thinking of making it thursday now… hmm.

Anyway, good weekend. YAY!

 

always

Being the oldest of the bunch is not always fun. It means that you get less attention and are always the one that is looked at when something needs solving or organising. As if for some strange reason those extra couple of years also came with a life time of experience in everything. Not only are you the one that has to organize everyone and everything for the other siblings, no matter how competent and old they already are. But for some reason you’re parents also treat you differently, now I’m not saying that they don’t treat you like their child. It’s just different. My mother always says, there’s things I can discuss with you that I can’t with your other siblings. Now I don’t know if this is because of the maturity issue or if it’s a personality thing?? I hope it’s a personality thing, but I fear it’s just the two years extra that I have that my sister does not.

Being the oldest also brings the most responsibility, bla bla bla. And most of the time I feel like any emotional outbursts automatically shun you from the rest of the litter for at least a day or two. Emotions should be kept to oneself at all times. Especially if it’s something that everyone is crying about, then you can’t cry. If you do, the others look at you with big, wet eyes and you can see them thinking “WHAT ARE YOU DOING?? YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO CRY!! YOU MUST BE STRONG AND TAKE CARE OF US!”

I realise that this blog is becoming a lot of me me me. But as you can tell, and I don’t mean to toot my own horn, that doesn’t happen a lot in real life. And since nobody I know knows about this blog, I’m letting my emotions run free and saying whatever the fuck I feel like saying. No regrets. No holding back.

I am trying to be a bit more selfish in my real life too. Trying to not let people step all over me anymore by making me feel guilty about not giving into their needs and wants for once. I shall keep count of my selfish acts. I can feel number one coming on.

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